


Lannister Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years

by LionessOnTheThrone (Purrfect)



Series: Cersei x Jaime Holiday Fictions [2]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Christmas, Christmas Eve, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Humor, Cooking, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Food, Funny, Holidays, Humor, Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving Dinner, Twincest, beautiful golden fools
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-26
Updated: 2018-02-05
Packaged: 2019-02-06 16:06:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 25,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12821106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Purrfect/pseuds/LionessOnTheThrone
Summary: Cersei/Jaime Holiday fics and drabbles (Christmas, Thanksgiving and New Years, set in different AU's with different dates. (Chapters 1, 5, 7 and 8 and 12 are set in the same AU)Chapter 1- Jaime's Christmas Gift Wrapping 1983Chapter 2- Thanksgiving Day 1931Chapter 3- New Years Eve 2016Chapter 4- Jaime's Christmas Shopping 1998Chapter 5- Robert's Death (Jaime's Christmas Gift To Cersei) 1988Chapter 6- In A Blizzard Cersei Goes Into Labor With Joffrey 1965Chapter 7 - Cersei and Jaime get rid of Robert's remains during the holiday season 1988 (cont from chap 5)Chapter 8 - Lannister Family Christmas Dinner 1993Chapter 9 - Myrcella's First Christmas 2003Chapter 10 - Cersei & Jaime's Childhood Christmas Morning 1906Chapter 11 - "I saw Mommy kissing Santa Clause" young Joffrey spots Cersei kissing Jaime who is dressed up as Santa 1985Chapter 12- Christmas Dinner year 2000 with Cersei, Jaime, Tyrion, and grown-up Joffrey, Myrcella, Tommen. Also Trystane, Olenna Tyrell, Margaery, Euron Greyjoy, Brienne of Tarth and Tormund all make appearances.





	1. Christmas Eve 1983

**Author's Note:**

> Year: 1983 Ages mid 30s for Cersei/Jaime Joffrey nine, Myrcella five Tommen three

It was Christmas Eve and Jaime finally was getting around to wrapping all of the gifts he had bought. He wrapped Tywin's gift first, some Wham album, then Tyron's present which was front row tickets to see Duran Duran, then he wrapped Joffrey's GI Joe action figures, Myrcella's cabbage patch doll and Tommen's Garfield coloring book and last and definitely least, the tie he bought at the dollar shop for Robert. 

Finally, it came time to wrap Cersei's present. Jaime ran his fingers through his mullet as he looked around at the huge pile of gifts he had gotten Cersei. He looked through them all and tried to decide which one to give her. Prepackaged heart-shaped cookies from Frey's Dessert Shop. Nah, those were too romantic of a gift to be given in front of others, Cersei he knew from experience would complain later that people might find out the truth about them if he gave her such gifts.

He looked at the other gifts, ruling them out one by one. A sexy nightie? That was definitely not appropriate for gifting in front of others. That would have to be given privately later that night when she snuck away from Robert. He quickly looked through more of the gifts. Handcuffs? Not appropriate either. Various sex toys? Also not appropriate.

He sighed and looked over at the two books he had gotten months ago. Books should be a safe gift to give. However, as he looked at the titles he knew he would have to give these books anonymously or face her wrath. For one was a book on signs you have an alcohol addiction. The other book was on how to break the said addiction. These he would have sneaked under the Christmas tree anonymously and hope that she would give them a chance.

Jaime looked over at the smaller remaining gifts. A very expensive heart-shaped emerald necklace, and a heart-shaped bracelet with their initials engraved (For private outings away from town). There was also a mixtape, with all of their favorite songs. All those gifts were however unfortunately far too romantic to be given in public. 

He sighed inwardly knowing he'd have to head out soon on this Christmas Eve to get an appropriate gift.


	2. Thanksgiving 1931

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanksgiving, 1931 Cersei/Jaime age early 20s (before Joffrey's conception) The great depression was in full swing and even the Lannisters are feeling the effects.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, Lyv, for reviewing the last chapter and for the request!

"I cannot believe Robert expects me to cook an entire Thanksgiving dinner!" Complained Cersei to Jaime.

"It's unfortunate that you guys cannot afford to hire help anymore, but the economy is doing so poorly, everyone is having to make sacrifices. Tyrion even had to stop visiting his street women." Replied Jaime sympathetically as the twins entered the mansion Cersei and her husband Robert lived in. Thankfully Robert was currently away on business, unfortunately, though, he would arrive home in several hours and would expect a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner.

"That disgusting little man should have never visited those whores in the first place!" replied Cersei with a disgusted face.

"Yes, well you know Tyrion." Replied Jaime. "So what should I do?" he asked, changing the subject.

" As I said before, we have to cook a Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, corn, biscuits, gravy, sweet potatoes and pumpkin pie."

"Ok...how?" asked Jaime.

"I was hoping you would know how."

"How would I know?" asked Jaime, confused.

"Didn't you pay attention in any of those cooking classes father made me take?" Asked Cersei scoldingly.

"Well, I'm sorry I didn't find it as fun as you found the fishing and hunting lessons you took in my place." Replied Jaime sarcastically.

"Well, it matters not, it can't be that hard. "

Two hours and several cookbooks later:

"There. Finally" Stated Cersei relieved. The turkey was stuffed and in the oven, the pie in the second oven, and the potatoes boiling on top of the stove. The rest would be started later.

"Yes, finally, now let's have some fun." Stated Jaime smiling back at his sister.

"You don't think we should keep an eye on the food while it cooks?" asked Cersei.

Jaime and she looked at each other for a moment before bursting into laughter. As if they would ever miss an opportunity to have some fun. The two began passionately kissing and moved into the living room, tossing each other's clothes off along the way.

An hour and several orgasms later:

"Fire!" Cersei screamed as she came down from her orgasmic bliss,

Jaime glanced around and noticed the door to the kitchen engulfed in flames and half the living room on fire. Both twins had apparently been enjoying themselves so much that they had failed to notice anything amiss until the whole kitchen and half of the living room were in flames. Luckily the path to the door in the living room was clear. The path to their clothes, however, was not.

The two escaped fine, albeit butt naked. Both had no choice but to claim they were nudists. They were the talk of local talk radio for the next several months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got my first request! The next chapter will be teenage Cersei/Jaime at a new years eve party.


	3. New Years Eve 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Year: 2016 Age: 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Years Eve Teenage Jaime and Cersei requested by Lyv. I hope you like this!

It was twenty minutes until midnight and Jaime was saddened that yet again he would not be able to get a midnight kiss with his twin sister. In the past two years, their kissing had gone from rated G to PG to R, all the way up to X, but only in private. Cersei insisted they must be discreet and no one must ever find out as it would surely cause a scandal. It would ruin their father Tywin Lannister's political career as well as that of any future political career that Cersei would like to pursue.

Jaime, however, did not take her worries too seriously. After all, Trump had won the presidential election, thus Jaime was sure that sometime in the next eight years incest would be legalized. Nonetheless, he respected her right to privacy. He at least, however, wanted her there beside him when the clock struck midnight.

One problem, however, Cersei had escaped him some twenty minutes ago and was currently lost in the crowd. Jaime looked around the crowd, trying to spot where Cersei had escaped off to.

Finally, he spotted her. His anger and jealousy started to rear its head. She was talking with Rhaegar Targaryen, the host of this party and the man she had a crush on for most of her childhood. She looked to be flirting with him, and she was grabbing his arm and laughing shamelessly at something he had said. Jaime was relieved that Rhaegar at least looked rather bored and uninterested.

Jaime decided he was going to get revenge. He headed towards her.

"Excuse me, I need to speak with my sister for a moment." He said to Rhaegar, smiling kindly at him and hiding his rage.

"Surely it can wait, dear brother." Cersei, replied, smiling back oblivious to the social danger she was in.

"It cannot. It's rather urgent. Regarding a family matter." replied Jaime.

"It's okay, my lady, I best take my leave now." stated Rhaegar, politely bowing out.

"Did you hear that? He called me 'my lady'. stated Cersei dreamily to Jaime as Rhaegar walked back into the crowd.

"He calls every girl that. Come. It's almost midnight." stated Jaime, struggling to keep his temper in check.

"What family matter did you pull me away for? It had better be important," replied Cersei coming down off her lovestruck high.

"You'll see. Follow me." He replied grabbing her hand and pulling her upstairs. She had no choice but to follow or make a scene, and of course, she chose to follow. Jaime was sure he'd hear a mouthful later for this, but decided what he was about to do would make it all worth it.

He led her all the way to the mansions large balcony. "Jaime...this is where the couples go to have their midnight kisses. We shouldn't be here."

The large balcony of Targaryen Mansion had been known for years as the hot spot for new years eve kisses. Media wasn't allowed in, but most years some nobody with a hope at fame managed to sell some pictures to the tabloids. Boy, would they have a story to publish this...no next year if anyone managed to see them.

"Why would you bring me here? We should go back with all the singles. And what was that about a family matter?" stated Cersei, not suspicious in the least,

"It's kinda stuffy in there, I thought we could both use some fresh air. I'll tell you about the family matter after midnight, listen the countdowns beginning."

The two quickly became surrounded by couples and the balcony quickly became packed, Cersei would have had a very difficult time escaping. The Dj began the countdown and as he got to five seconds left, Jaime roughly grabbed Cersei to him and pulled her in for a kiss. To his surprise, she kissed him back. When she pulled away, however, she whispered angerly to him. "If anyone saw that you are dead dear brother."

To Jaime chagrin and Cersei's luck, the news of Senator Lannister's twins kissing each other was overshadowed by much bigger news from that night.

Also making the national news, President Trump was impeached after new years eve footage of him dancing with and kissing his Ivanka replica sex doll was leaked. He was quickly committed to a mental institution. Jaime realized this meant incest was not likely to be made legal after all in the next eight years. The only thing that kept Jaime from spiraling into a deep depression over the realization was the news that twenty-one year old Rhaegar was now facing charges for statutory rape after his wife Elia caught him taking advantage of fifteen-year-old Lyanna Stark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, the ending isn't so funny but I hate Rhaegar!


	4. Christmas Shopping 1998

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas 1998 Cersei/Jaime Age: early 20s, Joffrey age four. At Cersei's request, Jaime goes Christmas shopping to get Joffrey a toy.

Jaime smiled at his lover/sister as they both panted for breath after a very intense lovemaking session. Cersei nestled into his arms and the two settled into a comfortable silence for a few moments before she spoke.

"Jaime, love could you do me a favor please?"

"Of course, you know I would do anything for you."

"I really want to get Joffrey a Furby for Christmas. Could you pick one up for me tomorrow on your day off?"

"Whats a Furby?" asked Jaime.

"A really cute robotic toy that I just know Joffrey will love!"

"Sure I will go into Toys R Us tomorrow and quickly pick one up for you." Jaime replied naively.

The next day after eating his breakfast, Jaime headed to Toy's R Us as soon as they opened. He was going to quickly get that Furby thingy for Cersei and then if Cersei wasn't busy hopefully he would get a special thank you.

To his annoyance, they had none there." "Sold out." one of the workers there informed him.

Jaime sighed but was not defeated. He headed to another store. Same problem there. He headed to several more stores in the city, all were sold out. Eventually, he had visited all the toy stores and other possible carriers like Walmart, etc, in the city, and so he stopped for a late lunch. After getting a full stomach his energy was renewed and he felt the need to look in more stores. He couldn't let Cersei down. So with that, he headed to stores in other cities.

Several more hours and yet dozens of more stores later he was feeling very defeated when he headed into yet another Toys R Us. It was late now, nearly ten pm and the store was closing in less than a half hour.

Finally, he had some success. Jaime spotted it at the end of the aisle. He smiled, relieved that he wouldn't have to head to even further away toy stores tomorrow. However, just as he got in range to grab it, as his fingers began to touch it, a teenage boy came from around the corner and grabbed it.

"Hey, I really need that!" protested Jaime.

"So do I, pretty boy." replied the blue-eyed man who had a patch over one eye.

"Aren't you a bit too old for toys?" asked Jaime

"Aren't you?" retorted the boy.

"I need it for my so...nephew."

"Well, sorry, I'm a pirate and I'm gonna sell this baby on eBay." Replied the boy smirking at him.

"This isn't the 1700's, wearing an eye patch doesn't make you a pirate...but whats eBay? " asked Jaime curiously.

"No, but buying hot product items and reselling things for a huge profit, does make me a pirate. eBay is an internet site where you sell stuff. Now, shouldn't you be heading to the clubs your type frolic at this time of night?"

Before Jaime could think of a retort, the boy with the eye patch was gone along with Jaime's last chance to buy the toy.

Jaime sighed as he headed back to his car defeated. He was relieved he had gotten internet just this past year. Hopefully this time it would be of use to him. He hadn't gotten anything but insulting comments over his screen name the rare times he used it, mostly in AOL chatrooms out of boredom.

Upon arriving home, he microwaved some hot pockets as he logged on his computer. Once his internet finally connected he had already finished one hot pocket and was eating the second as he loaded the website the boy had mentioned. He decided to use the same screen name as his AOL chatroom handle, Lovemysister4ever. Then he quickly created a password, he decided he wanted something easy to remember. So, he settled on the date he first met the love of his life. So he entered the day of his conception in as his password.

Having finished that he began to browse the site. He yelled out a few cuss words once he saw the pricing on the item. Ranging from several hundred to nearly a thousand dollars for a toy that retailed for around forty dollars. He could have given Cersei a call and asked her if there were any other toys that would suffice, however being that he had more money then brains he decided to buy one of them regardless.

Finally, he figured out how to organize the search results to show cheapest first and then clicked on the first listing. It happened to be from screenname KingOfThePirates and had just been listed less than an hour ago. 'What was with peoples sudden obsession with pirates?' Jaime wondered.

Jaime looked around on the site some and noticed there was an option to set a max bid where eBay would automatically keep outbidding the next person on your behalf until it reached a set amount. He set the amount to a ridiculously high amount of 10,000 to be sure he would be the winner in the end.

A few days later he won the item. He ended up paying a whopping ninety-eight hundred dollars. For a forty dollar toy. He would later discover he had paid over ten times what anyone else had paid for the toy. It was almost as if someone had bid against him just to get his bid up. However, at this moment in time, he was happy to have won the item, and not have to disappoint Cersei, money be damned.

Besides that, luck was obviously on Jaime's side. The next day when Jaime opened his email he saw that the seller had emailed him his payment address. Jaime was thrilled to see the seller was located within a twenty-minute drive of him. Perhaps he could arrange a local pickup and save money on shipping as well as avoid the worry of the item getting lost in shipment during the holiday season.


	5. A Few Days After Christmas 1988

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1988, a Couple days after Christmas Day, set in same AU as Chapter 1. Cersei/Jaime age 42, Joffrey age 14, Myrcella age 10, Tommen age 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Velatavelenosa requested a sequel to chapter 1 (Christmas eve 1983), 1988 Cersei Lannister pregnant and a widow. I hope you enjoy! Thank you for the request and reviews!

As her limo driver drove Cersei to Jaime's house, she couldn't help but worry. It wasn't like her Jaime to ignore her. Sure she'd been rather rude to Tyrion at Christmas dinner, but Jaime was used to that by now. She was afraid that whoever was responsible for Robert's disappearance had done something to her Jaime. Robert had been missing for nearly two weeks now. Cersei was glad but also fearful that whoever had caused it would come for her next. 

Finally, the limo stopped and let her out and a worried Cersei knocked on Jaime's door. All day yesterday she'd tried to call him, but he had not answered, nor had he answered any of her calls this morning or afternoon. She thought to bring Myrcella and Tommen with her but decided to leave them at home with the nanny instead, just in case something bad had happened. 

After ten minutes of incessant knocking, Jaime finally answered, Cersei skipped a greeting and got right to the point. "What took you so long and where were you yesterday? I left like two messages and had my maid leave like ten more."

"I'm sorry. I just woke up and I wasn't home yesterday. I was busy taking care of some things that were in dire need of taking care of." replied Jaime, stepping aside to let Cersei enter.

"What things were you taking care of that took all day?" asked Cersei as the two made their way into the living room to sit down.

"I'll tell you later. " replied Jaime

"You will tell me now."

Knowing the subject of Joffrey would instantly get her to forget, Jaime took it upon himself to change the topic. 

"How is Joffrey? That's so sad that they wouldn't let him come home for the holidays."

"Last I spoke with him he was very angry, and rightfully so. If Robert isn't dead I will kill him myself for sending my baby boy to that boarding school!"

"Well, did he at least enjoy his gifts?"

"I wouldn't know."

"Why not?"

"He lost phone privileges again. Can you believe they wouldn't even let me speak to him on Christmas day! "

"What did he do this time?" Asked Jaime.

"What do you mean what did he do? My boy did nothing wrong. Whatever they say he did, he either didn't do, or he had to do."

"Of course, I'm sorry." replied Jaime knowing no good could come from arguing with her on this point. 

"How did Myrcella and Tommen like the gifts I got them?" Asked Jaime.

"Myrcella loved the Barbie doll you got her and Tommen loved the tape you somehow got him of that movie with the cat that hasn't been released on VHS."

Jaime smiled at his sister. Working in Hollywood had its perks.

"However, they've both been playing the Super Mario Brothers 2 I got them so much that I think their brains will rot."

"Children and their video games, eh? I remember when we were kids and actually went outside to play." replied Jaime, secretly glad that his collection of video games was in a room Cersei never bothered with.

"And how is our little one?" asked Jaime reaching over to put a hand on Cersei's six-month pregnant belly.

"She is fine." replied Cersei smiling at him. 

"Have you come up with names yet?" She asked him.

Cersei was going to let him finally have a say in one of his children's names. Of course, no one would know this (except Tyrion whom to Cersei's chagrin knew about their incestial affair in spite of never having been outright told about it).

"You are really sure you don't want to name her after our mother?" asked Jaime, slightly disappointed.

"I"m sure. As much as I miss our mother. There can only be one Joanna Lannister in my eyes." 

"Alright then. I did narrow it down to three names as you asked"

"Ok, let's hear them."

"Jennifer, Jessica and Sarah"

Cersei gave him a disappointed look. A look he didn't get too often from her. The same look she'd given him that time long ago before any of the children's births when Robert, Tywin, and Tyrion had all been away on Thanksgiving and they'd had a private Thanksgiving dinner together with him cooking. However, unlike then, now Cersei was quick to voice her displeasure.

"These names all sound so.....so.......common." Said Cersei struggling to find the right word to finish the sentence.

" Where did you get them from?" asked Cersei judgementally.

"Right here" replied Jaime grabbing the book on the table next to him." 

"You bought a baby name book?"

"No, Tyrion gave me it as a gift when I told him you were gonna let me help name the baby."

"Of course. That little drunkard would be the type to think a baby name book is a proper way to pick a name. Can I see that book, please?"

"OF course." replied Jaime.

"Thank you, my love." replied Cersei smiling at him as he handed the book to her.

"Hey!" exclaimed Jaime as Cersei tossed the book into the fireplace.

"We are not gonna pick our child's name from some stupid list of the dullest and most common names of the decade. No, no and no to all three of those names."

"But, you promised I could pick three and you would choose one from it!" whined Jaime. 

"I didn't think you'd be so bad at it. I may as well name my baby Jennifer number three because that's exactly what the teachers would refer to her as!"

"Well, if you don't like the name Jennifer, how about the name Jenna?" Asked Jaime trying to reason with her.

"I may as well name her Genna then after our aunt, they are pronounced exactly the same!"

"Well, why not Genna, then? I'm sure she'd be thrilled if you named your child after her."

"Well, for the same reason I don't want the name Joanna."

"What kind of name do you want then?"

" A name that isn't so common that there will be other kids in the class with it. But nothing too off the wall and nothing hard to pronounce."

"Well, you don't wanna name her Genna, but how about something a little different, but similar." 

"No" replied Cersei. 

Ignoring her no, Jaime continued on. "How about Gemma?

"Gemma?" asked Cersei, interested.

"Yes, Gemma, with a G. Like Gem."

"Gemma. That's actually a very pretty sounding name, and she certainly is a gem. I never expected to get pregnant at this age. It's pretty, not hard to pronounce, and is very Lannister sounding while also being unique. I love it!"

"So, Gemma, then?" 

"Gemma." replied Cersei smiling back at him.

The two shared a passionate kiss, but when Cersei tried to further things Jaime pulled away.  
Right now there was something he was more excited about. He could hardly wait to show her. 

Cersei looked at him confused. Jaime never ever pulled away from her. Why was he acting so odd?

"There's something I have for you first. Another Christmas present I guess you could call it." stated Jaime knocking her out of her thoughts. 

"But, you gave me all of my private Christmas presents the day before Christmas eve and the rest of them on Christmas day. " stated Cersei confused.

"This is a special gift and it took me some time to prepare. I was busy with it all day yesterday."

"So that is what you were busy with all day yesterday, that is why you weren't home?"

"Yes."

"Very well then, it had better be good."

"I promise this will be the best gift you've ever received. Just let me go get it."

Jaime went out to his garage and when he came back he handed her a very large box wrapped sloppily with a bow on top. 

"I can see you didn't bother having a store properly wrap whatever this is." scolded Cersei as she ripped the paper off.

He'd almost considered it but thought it too risky. 

"What is that smell. If this is food I think it's gone rotten. " complained Cersei as she tore through the tape holding the box together.

"Just open it. I promise what is inside will make you very happy."

Finally, Cersei got the box opened. When she saw what was inside, she screamed and dropped the box causing the content to fall out. Roberts' head rolled along the carpet before crashing into Jaime's entertainment center. The force was with the fat head as it caused Jaime's Star War's VHS's to fall over. 

"Calm down! You'll alert the neighbors!" stated Jaime as Cersei continued to shriek in horror

"What....how.......where......when.........?" asked a horrified Cersei as she began to get her bearings.

"Robert's head, that's what, how well I dunno exactly, where, my basement, and to the final question, two weeks ago."

"Two weeks ago. I've been scared senseless these past two weeks thinking whoever had killed him would come for me next. Why didn't you tell me sooner?!"

"I wanted to make sure I got rid of all the evidence before I told you anything or showed this to you."

"You got rid of all the evidence?" Asked Cersei after having finally calmed down some.

"Yes."

"You really got rid of all the evidence?" asked Cersei disbelievingly.

"Didn't you hear me the first time? Of course, I got rid of all the evidence. I'm not an idiot." replied Jaime rolling his eyes and growing impatient at Cersei's lack of comprehension.

"Then what the hell is his head doing on your living room floor?!" exclaimed Cersei. 

"Well, if I recall correctly someone screamed and dropped the box with it in it!"

Cersei rolled her eyes as she spoke again. "No...I mean, why did you not dispose of the head too, its evidence!"

"Oh that. I thought you might want to have a trophy to take home with you. A trophy that proves I will do anything for you, my sister, my lover."

"You thought I might want to keep incriminating evidence in my house?" asked Cersei incredulously.

Jaime shrugged, not realizing the problem. "You have so many storage freezers, I figure you can keep it in one of them. I was keeping it in mine."

Cersei sighed. "I do not want that thing anywhere around me. We will dispose of it. If you were really keeping it in your freezer this whole time, then you may need a new freezer, because that thing stinks!"

"Not the whole time. I.....forgot a couple times."

Cersei sighed before asking her next question.

"How exactly did you do it?"

"Well, first I removed the teeth. I've watched enough Matlock to know that dental records are a common way they ID a body. Then I removed the limbs and burnt them all. "

"No, I mean before you killed him. How did you do it?"

"That all was before I killed him." replied Jaime.

"He stayed alive through all that?" asked Cersei amazed.

"No, I'm not sure how he died. He started to choke on his teeth, but he managed to spit most of them out. I think the blood loss from removing his limbs was probably what killed him."

"Amazing." replied Cersei smiling.

"What did you do with the limbs and torso?" she asked next.

" I burnt them."

"And what did you do with them after that?"

"What do you mean? Why would I do anything else with them after that?" Asked Jaime confused.

"Jaime, you idiot! That's evidence. You got rid of them, right?"

"Evidence? They could just as easily be bones for my dog. They are in a trash bag in the garage. I was going to bury them in my backyard tonight after you left."

"You will do no such thing!" exclaimed Cersei.

"What, then?"

"We will take all the remains onto my yacht tonight load them into something, perhaps with weights to make them sink, and throw them into the Pacific ocean. That is a much better idea. We should go as soon as it gets dark. I think Ned Stark is suspicious of me. I am sure he's been trying to get a warrant out to search me. After that, he may very well begin to suspect you as well."

"Sounds like a good plan. " replied Jaime in spite of not seeing the need to go to such lengths

Finally, Cersei remembered her manners and expressed her gratitude.

"Jaime, thank you. Thank you so so much for what you did. This is the best gift anyone's ever given me. Well, the killing Robert I mean, not the head in a box part!" 

Shortly thereafter the two began kissing, followed by lovemaking, followed by dinner and then finally the sweet just dessert of sending Roberts remains to the depths of the ocean.


	6. Just before Christmas, 1965

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cersei goes into labor early in the morning on Christmas eve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the anon who requested Cersei going into labor with Joffrey around Christmas time. I set this in the 1960s, hope you don't mind! Set December 23, 1965, evening time, and December 24 Christmas Eve morning.

"This is gonna be the best Christmas ever." stated a heavily pregnant and very content Cersei as she snuggled up to Jaime on his couch after a round of heavy lovemaking.

"Yes, especially if that Blizzard in DC doesn't clear up anytime soon." Said Jaime before laughing.

Cersei laughed as well. "Yes, poor Robert. How sad would it be if he ended up stuck there during Christmas?" She questioned grinning. "But I hope that Blizzard doesn't come our way." she continued her smile faltering.

"We should probably check how the weather is, just in case" suggested Jaime as he got up to turn the tv on.

"Actually, Gillians Island is supposed to come on in a few moments, turn it to that instead." requested Cersei.

"Umm, don't you think it's more important to find out the weather?"

"Why? it's not like either of us are leaving this house anytime soon. Besides that my house is only half a block away."

"Good point." Replied Jaime as he turned on the tv.

"Ugh. Your cable is out." stated Cersei as the picture came, or rather didn't come into focus.

"I don't have cable. "

"Still? I told you again last week that you need to get it. Your picture would be so much clearer."

Jaime adjusted the rabbit ears (antenna) as he spoke. "I don't see the point. I barely watch tv as it is." After a moment he had finished adjusting the antenna and achieved a good picture. However, as he moved away, the picture and sound began to get staticky again.

"The picture is horrible. That's the point. And the shows starting! I can barely see or even hear it over all this static."

"It was better just a moment ago. I'll go adjust it again."

He adjusted it again, but then as soon as he moved away the picture was back to being bad again.

"As soon as you sit down it just goes back to being bad." complained Cersei.

"Well, what do you want me to do? Stand there for the whole show?" asked Jaime sarcastically.

"Actually, yes"

"Seriously?"

"It's only thirty minutes. Please, Jaime?"

"Very well then. " Sighed Jaime giving in. He could never deny his Cersei anything.

So Jaime stood there until finally there was a commercial break, At Cersei's request, he went to heat up some hot chocolate for her.

When he returned she asked him. "Do you think they'll ever get off the island?"

"Of course. I'm sure whenever the show ends they will conclude with them all being rescued. Any other ending would be ridiculous." Replied Jaime.

Finally, the show was over and Jaime returned to the kitchen to heat up more hot chocolate for him and Cersei. Shortly thereafter as they enjoyed their hot coco Cersei began to reminisce.

"I love this time of year, snow, hot chocolate, skiing, The only thing I hate is those wretched carolers. Remember how we used to go around pelting them with snowballs when we were children?" Asked Cersei smiling.

"Sure do. Those were the days." Replied Jaime smiling back at her.

"At least until father found out." replied Cersei, less happy.

That was certainly true. Changing the subject to something happier Jaime asked her, "What do you plan to name our little one?"

"I'm thinking Peace if it's a boy, Sunshine if it's a girl."

"Really? Well...those are wonderful names." said Jaime struggling to not laugh.

"Of course not really! We aren't hippies! Those are the names that wretched dwarf suggested! Can you believe the nerve of that disgusting little hippie?"

"You shouldn't speak of our brother that way." replied Jaime.

"I'll speak of him however I want! Anyways, I'm thinking Joffrey if it's a boy, Myrcella if its a girl."

"Those are nice names. Very unique, but in a good way" Jaime said approvingly.

The two talked some more as they enjoyed their hot chocolate and then they moved to the bedroom and made love once more before falling asleep.

Several hours later:

Jaime was having a wonderful dream. He was making love to Cersei and she was saying his name over and over. Her voice was getting louder and louder. She sounded so passionate. He was about to cum, when suddenly his dream was cut short by a sharp pain in his arm.

"Ouch!" yelped Jaime as he awoke from his slumber.

"Finally!" exclaimed Cersei.

"Cersei what the hell? It's 1 am!" Complained Jaime, looking at the digital clock next to his bed as he rubbed his arm where Cersei had just pinched him.

"I thought you'd never wake up. I kept calling you over and over!"

"What is the...you wet the bed." accused Jaime having noticed finally.

"I did not wet the bed! My water broke!"

"But you aren't due until next year!" exclaimed Jaime.

"Well, the baby's coming, tonight. We best get to the hospital now."

"Very well then." Replied Jaime as the two got dressed and headed into the living room.

Unfortunately, as soon as he opened the door a huge pile of snow came in. The heavy wind blew even more in.

"Cersei, I don't think we're gonna be able to go anywhere tonight."

"We have to! I'm not having this baby at home." replied Cersei as Jaime struggled to get the door shut.

"Well, I can't drive in this!" He stated as he finally managed to get the door shut.

"You have to!"

"I can't. You saw how bad it was out there! Perhaps we could call an ambulance? I'm sure they would take you to the hospital." replied Jaime heading to the phone.

"Stop! We must get to my house to call. People can't know I'm here!" exclaimed Cersei.

"Why not? A sister can visit her brother who lives on the same block as her."

"It's the middle of the night. What will people think?!"

"No one will think anything of it. We can just say I was looking after you."

"I have a personal maid for that." Cersei replied before remembering how she'd fired the maid for fucking Robert. "Well, I did have a personal maid before Robert... anyway, I still have several other maids and servants, any of whom I could have tasked to look after me, so no one will believe I needed to come here. I should have left after we watched Gillian's Island. I hope no ones noticed I never came home" replied Cersei, worried.

"Well, let me see how the weather is before you go anywhere, it looks like a blizzard to me."

He turned on the tv and after a few moments of fooling with the antenna finally managed a picture and some sound. The news was not good.

"Winter storm alert. All roads in the Aroostook County are closed due to heavy winds and snow. Blizzard advisory in full effect."

"Well, fuck." Stated Cersei, panicked.

Jaime then headed back over to the phone hoping to hear a dial tone, but no such luck. Well. at least they still had electricity.

"The lines dead." Stated Jaime

"What are we going to do?" asked Cersei beginning to panic more.

"I saw mother deliver puppies before when I was a boy. This can't be much different."

"I am not a dog and you are not going to be delivering this baby!"

"Well, we can wait and see if the roads clear. Labor takes hours doesn't it?" Suggested Jaime.

"Very well then." replied Cersei.

"I should go get the needed supplies though, just in case we lose power. "

Jaime returned about twenty minutes later.

Cersei had moved back into the bedroom. She was feeling exhausted.

"I'm in here." she called to let Jaime know where she was.

Jaime brought the supplies into the bedroom as Cersei spoke.

"The contractions are so far apart and I'm so tired. I should be able to sleep some before I need to start pushing. " she explained.

"Alright." Nodded Jaime.

"I hope the roads open so we can get to a hospital before its time though!" worried Cersei.

"Me too." replied Jaime, but Cersei had already fallen fast asleep. Jaime, on the other hand, couldn't sleep at all and kept a watchful eye on Cersei the whole night. He was worried sick. Could he really deliver a baby if that's what it came to? He hoped so.

Around 5 am Cersei awoke. The contractions now were more frequent, though neither twin knew how much longer it would be. Over the course of the next three hours, the contractions got closer and closer together, until finally, Cersei felt she had better start pushing. Sometime during the night, the power had gone out, but luckily Jaime had gathered some candles and matches, fearing this would happen. Luckily, Jaime's house was heated with old-fashioned fireplaces, rather than electric or gas heat so they at least did not have to worry about freezing to death.

After some time, finally, the baby was out all the way.

"It's a boy!" exclaimed Jaime.

"Why isn't he crying?" asked Cersei, panicked.

"I'm not sure. " replied Jaime, also worried. However, the worries were shortly put to rest as finally, Joffrey's eyes landed on Jaime and he began to let out a high pitched cry as Jaime cut the umbilical cord.

"Let me hold him." Demanded Cersei.

Jaime obliged and handed the newborn off to Cersei. Once in Cersei's arms, Joffrey began to settle down some and his cries finally ceased.

For the rest of the morning and afternoon Cersei mostly slept except for when Jaime woke her up to breastfeed (as she informed him he'd better do so every other hour) Jaime tended to Cersei and Joffrey's needs for the rest of morning and afternoon, even having to go so far as to make and change makeshift diapers out of many of his expensive shirts and pants. As well as attempting to make Cersei some decent pasta, as well as cupcakes, neither of which panned out as well, but Cersei ate the mushy pasta and undercooked cupcakes anyway.

When the blizzard finally cleared up late in the afternoon Cersei had Jaime call an ambulance to take her and Joffrey to the hospital. Jaime, of course, came along, never leaving her side until she was discharged. To his chagrin Robert made an appearance on Cersei's third and last day in the hospital, having finally made it home the day after Christmas after being stuck in the airport all Christmas day. He grumbled about how the boy should have had a Baratheon name and then headed back home while Jaime enjoyed the remaining brief time with his secret family.


	7. After Christmas 1988 continued

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During the holiday season after Jaime kills Robert Cersei and Jaime bury Robert's dismembered remains. All while taking a couple of detours to view Christmas lights and get doughnuts of course. Robert fans might want to steer clear of this as at one point a game of bowling is attempted with Robert's head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't resist doing a continuation of Chapter 5 that picks up right as they head out to bury the body! This was amazingly quick and fun to write. A warning that this is mostly completely ridiculous humor and less then zero respect is given for the dead Robert's remains. Written all in one sitting in a very quick amount of time(This one kinda wrote itself!), but I did edit it so hopefully, it's decent. I promise I will write a fic with young Gemma soon!

"Well, it's getting dark out now, we should gather all the body parts together and by we I mean you." Cersei stated before continuing, "Do you have any suitcases to put the parts in?"

"Several in my storage room."

"I'll go get them and meet you in the garage. I also need to call Myrcella and Tommen and let them know I won't be home until late and that the nanny will be putting them to bed tonight." Replied Cersei.

"Alright. let me gather all the parts up." Replied Jaime as simply as if he was talking about gathering some clothes together.

Jaime had no trouble getting Roberts arm, leg and rib bones into suitcases. It was a good thing though that he had burnt the flesh off them, otherwise, they surely would have been too fat. The head, however, was a different story. It would not fit in any of the suitcases.

"Cersei?"

"Yes?"

"I can't get the head in any of the suitcases."

"Well, what do you want me to do about it?"

"Perhaps we should leave it here and discard the rest tonight?"

"Too risky. We should get rid of it all at once. Why don't we get a dog tonight, first? Suggested Cersei.

"I have a dog, remember, but why?" Asked a confused Jaime referring to his pet chihuahua Tinkerbelle.

"I mean a real dog. You know. One of those dogs the Boltens use in their dogfighting, They sell them too, you know. Such a dog could eat that huge double chin off and make the head small enough to fit."

"Those things are scary. You know one of them chewed that Bolten boy's girlfriends face damn near completely off, right?"

"Exactly. So we already know they have a taste for human flesh." Explained Cersei.

"How exactly do you purpose we feed it Roberts face without getting our own flesh eaten as well?

"Well, this is supposed to be your gift to me, why don't you figure that out?"

"I say no. Let's just throw it into the ocean. "

"That's risky, what if someone id's it?!"

"A shark will likely eat much of it, besides that even if they ID'd it, so what? There's still no way to tie us to the crime, Robert had so many enemies it could have been anyone, " assured Jaime.

"Well, alright then. That is a good point. Though I still feel uneasy about it. Well, no matter what we must not be spotted on the yacht." Replied Cersei.

"Agreed, now should we get going?"

"Sure, let me quickly grab us some soda while you load the parts in."

By the time she had returned Jaime had decided he wanted to do something fun and coupley before they got rid of all the remains. Something they used to do together every year but hadn't since their late teens.

"Let's go see some Christmas lights while we're out." Suggested Jaime.

"With pieces of a dead body in the car? Absolutely not," stated Cersei in disbelief.

"Oh come on, we're unlikely to get pulled over. Just a quick thirty minute drive around the neighborhood?"

"No."

"Oh come on please, Cersei. We haven't gone to see the Christmas lights together since we were teens. "

Cersei sighed. "How about tomorrow night?"

"You know I can't tomorrow."

"Why......ah yes. The imp's birthday. I forgot about that. Father's insistent I come as well. "

"Did you get him a gift this year?" asked Jaime curious.

"Sure did."

Jaime smiled grateful that for once he wouldn't have to buy Tyrion an extra gift and pretend it had been from Cersei. Tyrion seemed to know, anyway.

"What did you get him?"

"Some imported wine from Sicily."

"Imported wine from.......wait wasn't that the gift Taena got you for Christmas?"

"It sure was. Tasted like horse piss. Well not that I would be the one to know." Cersei replied, referencing to an incident Jaime would rather have forgotten.

"You can't give Tyrion a used gift!"

"I'm not. I'm giving him the nine bottles that were unopened." Cersei explained as if that justified it before continuing, "So we will see the lights tomorrow after Tyrion's party then." Stated Cersei.

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"You know why! Tyrion will get wasted at the party and be up all night. I need to keep an eye on him. I don't want him to go off with some whore again and end up getting aids."

"Well, maybe the syphilis he already has will counteract it." Suggested Cersei.

"I should have never told you about that." Jaime sighed, "But how about the night after tomorrow?"

"Did you forget? I'm taking Myrcella and Tommen up to Big Bear Lake to go skiing. We won't be back until January 1rst"

"You can't ski in that condition!"

I'm not, there will be a nanny to watch over them when they're on the slopes, but you know the kids, Robert and I go every year. They've already had so much change this year what with Robert's death and Joffrey being sent away."

"I understand" Jaime lied. He was hurt and Cersei could tell.

"Jaime......"

"Yes?"

"Perhaps a short, thirty-minute drive around the neighborhood wouldn't be such a bad idea. But, take the body parts out and leave them here, just in case. We can come back for them."

"Alright. I'll take them all out."

"Good. I'll be right back. I have to go pee."

Once Cersei returned, they kissed passionately in front of Robert's severed head. Things got heated and they had the best sex ever, right on the floor of Jaime's garage as Robert's lifeless eyes gazed upon them.

"That was amazing. I would never have guessed in a million years that the best sex ever would be with Robert in the room....or rather what remains of him.!" Stated Cersei giggling.

"It was pretty amazing. Seeing his lifeless eyes watching us? Wow! Maybe we could keep it ?" Asked Jaime hopefully.

"No, I told you before it stinks. Maybe if you had kept it properly stored in the freezer...."

"Alright." pouted Jaime.

"Do you still have wine bottles somewhere around here?"

"Yes, why? You know you can't drink!"

"I feel in the mood for a childish game of bowling right now." Stated Cersei before continuing. "Although I do hate the idea of wine being wasted.".

"I actually have a bowling bowl and bowling pins in the game room if you wanna go up there now."

Cersei laughed. "What would we need a bowling ball for?"

"I don't understand," replied Jaime confused.

"Just get the pins and bring them down here then you will."

"Alright. I'll be right back then," stated Jaime, still confused.

Returning several moments later with the bowling pins Jaime asked: "What now?"

"Set them down like normal."

"You haven't liked bowling since we were kids"

"Well, this will be the funniest game ever."

"What are we using as the......oh" Stated Jaime, slow to catch on as usual.

Cersei grabbed the big fat head sideways by its scarce hair and tried to roll it.

It rolled a few feet and then stopped.

"Well, this sucks. I thought It would roll a bit further than that." Complained Cersei

"Let me try." Stated Jaime.

Cersei handed the head over to him.

It rolled only a hair farther for him then it had for Cersei.

"It rolled a little better earlier when it knocked all my VHS's over. But even that wasn't too far. I don't think this is gonna work, Cersei."

"Well, that's too bad. I rather enjoy disrespecting him so. But the head stinks, anyway. Let's just go now."

And with that, the two headed out.

Jaime drove them around the neighborhood and they enjoyed the local decorations for around twenty minutes before he made a suggestion.

"Let's go see the decorations at Winterfell Wonderland? It's only a 20-minute drive away. "

Winterfall wonderland was owned by Robert's best friend, Ned Stark. A rich family, though not as rich as the Baratheon's or Lannisters, the Stark's had been the owners of Winterfell Wonderland going back at least three generations. The place offered skiing, sledding and also a drive through of wonderful Christmas display's every year. However, this didn't stop the current owner, Ned Stark from also following his dream of becoming a cop, much to Cersei's chagrin.

"Sure, though we really should head back after. We still need to toss the remains and from your house, the oceans a thirty minute drive each way you know." Replied Cersei.

"I loved going sledding here when we were kids." Stated Cersei once they arrived there.

"Me too."

"Look at that, such oddness always with their sled display's." Stated Cersei as they drove by one of the displays. "Why have wolves pulling that giant sled instead of reindeers? I never understood it." She continued.

"I think it's unique," argued Jaime.

"Unique isn't always good, though."

The two drove around some more enjoying the displays before heading back home.

"Let's stop at Hot Pies and Coffee. I'm carving custard doughnuts." Suggested Cersei about five minutes into their drive back.

Hot Pie's and Coffee was a very popular coffee shop. It was also the most popular coffee shop for cops in the city. Good thing Jaime had left the body parts at home.

"Sure, but let's get them to go" Replied Jaime.

"Of course. You know I don't like the company that place has. If only their doughnuts weren't so tasty."

The two headed to the coffee shop and got their doughnuts. Custard for Cersei, Jelly for Jaime. Once they left, they noticed they were being followed by a cop. Shortly after they were pulled over by the same cop, who ended up being none other than Ned Stark.

"Did you know you were going 70 in a 65?" Asked Ned Stark.

"I didn't realize." Stated Jaime,

"I'm gonna have to ask you both to step out of the car. Hands up"

The two obeyed, both feeling rather perturbed.

"May I take a look in your trunk?" Asked Ned after patting them both down to check for weapons.

Knowing there was nothing in there anyway, Jaime replied: "Go Ahead."

'Oh shit.' thought Jaime soon as the trunk opened. There, in the trunk was a suitcase. One of the suitcases parts of Robert were in. He must have forgotten to remove it from his car.

"Sir, I'm gonna have to open this."

"It's just clothes." Lied Jaime, panicked.

"Yes, well I'd like to see that for myself."

"No. You have no right. This is unlawful." Replied Jaime.

"I have probable cause. I noticed Robert's cigarette lighter somehow made its way into your possession" Stated Ned.

Jaime knew he should have gotten rid of that thing, but Robert had been so fond of his custom-made stag cigarette lighter and Jaime enjoyed having a keepsake close by to remind him of Robert's demise.

Thinking quick, Jaime rushed to explain.

"He's my brother in law. I have his lighter because I've always been fond of stags myself. Cersei let me have it when Robert abandoned her." Nobody could actually prove Robert had the lighter with him when he disappeared, so hopefully, that explanation would suffice.

Regardless of the lighter, Jaime was freaking out inside. He was about to go to jail and then prison. Likely Tywin would be able to get him a light sentence, at least. Cersei was even more panicked. Sick to her stomach over what she realized was about to be discovered, she promptly felt her stomach lurch. She realized that she was going to puke. She could have turned her head, but instead decided to puke on Ned. Maybe it would distract him enough and he'd forget the suitcase and rush to go clean himself.

"Ms. Lannister" Stated Ned, refusing to use her married name. "I could charge you with assault for that. "

"For vomiting? She's pregnant for christ sakes!" exclaimed Jaime

"Which is why I will let it slide. " Said Ned beginning to open the suitcase undeterred as Cersei's vomit trickled down his back.

Once the suitcase opened all could see that Inside were some clothes, a pack of condoms and Jaime's old favorite cassette of disco hits that he had thought he lost years ago. It was the suitcase from Cersei and Jaime's secret weekend trip together just before she had married Robert. Cersei recognized some of her old lingerie in the suitcase as well.

When gathering the suitcases all together in his garage he must have grabbed one of the unused ones, which hadn't actually been unused.

Jaime and Cersei both let out huge sighs of relief, which thankfully went unnoticed by Ned.

"Interesting," replied Ned glancing at the men's clothing and then the lingerie. "Well, I will just let you off with a speeding ticket, this time."

"A ticket? I was barely even five over the speed limit!" exclaimed Jaime.

"And if we let it slide when someone went five over, then where would it stop? At ten over? twenty? Rules exist for a reason, Lannister. I'm keeping an eye on you, Jaime Lannister. You and those brothers of his. I know either you, Stannis or Renly is responsible for Robert's disappearence. And I will find out who." Warned Ned.

"It wasn't me, " stated Jaime as Ned walked back to his patrol car.

Cersei and Jaime got back into Jaime's car and as soon as the doors were shut she unleashed upon him.

"I cannot believe you! How could you be so stupid?! We almost went to prison because of you! How could you forget to remove all of the suitcases from the trunk? Thank god you loaded the wrong suitcase into the trunk to begin with!!"

The rest of the ride home was silent, save for the 80s hairbands that blasted off on the radio.

Once they returned home Jaime loaded the bags into his trunk and put the head into a garbage bag and loaded that in as well while Cersei went to go pee again.

"What are you doing?"

"Umm loading the suitcases into the trunk like you asked."

"You can't really be that stupid."

"Cersei?"

"We can't take this car again! We could be stopped again! We need to take one of the other cars."

"Alright. Pick one, then." Replied Jaime gesturing to the one other car, one limo and one pickup truck in his garage.

"Well, it should be obvious." Said Cersei rolling her eyes.

It was obvious, the pickup truck had so much more room and with the head in the open back, they wouldn't have to smell it. With that Jaime grabbed the bag with the head and tossed it onto the back of the pickup truck.

"Jaime, no! We can't take the truck! Do you not realize how suspicious all that visible luggage would be?!"

"What then, the limo?"

"The other car, of course! We need to go unnoticed here!"

"Alright," replied Jaime as he began to load the luggage and head into the other car.

"Open them all. We need to make sure you have the right suitcases in there this time." Stated Cersei once she returned.

Once they confirmed they had all the remains properly loaded, Jaime and Cersei headed out again.

They arrived at the docks where Cersei's yacht was around a half hour later. Jaime got out two of the suitcases and the bag with the head while Cersei got out and grabbed the other two suitcases. Luckily it was by now one am and there was nobody there. Or so they thought.

As they carried the bag and suitcase to the yacht they spotted someone and that someone also spotted them.

"He saw us!" Cersei exclaimed. Jaime recognized the man who saw them was Jon Arryn, owner of the docks and a close business associate of Roberts. Jaime knew if the man told anyone about their visit to the docks carrying several suitcases and a garbage bag Officer Stark might catch word of it. That would be very incriminating evidence. This wasn't good.

"He saw us!" Exclaimed Cersei again.

Jaime moved into action then. Setting the bag and suitcases on the ground he moved to tackle the old decrypt man who had tried in vain to run, He had no trouble at all overpowering the man. He quickly chocked the life out of Jon Arryn. After several moments, Jaime released his hold on the man's neck.

"We'll toss this overboard with Robert's remains. If anyone finds the body they will think he drowned" Stated Jaime as he dragged the corpse the few remaining feet to the yacht.

After doing so he and Cersei finally loaded all the suitcases as well as the bag onto the yacht. The two headed out and once Cersei determined the water was deep enough they dumped Jon Arryn's body.

They traveled some ways further and then eventually dumped Robert' s remains as well. Finally. they were both free from him forever. Cersei and Jaime held hands as they watched the suitcases sink to the depths of the ocean. Their happiness was further magnified as they watched two sharks begin to circle Robert's head bag. It was a very happy night for the two twin lovers.


	8. Christmas Dinner 1993

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas Dinner 1993 Ages: Cersei/Jaime 47, Joffrey 19, Myrcella 15, Tommen 13, Gemma (OC) 4. 
> 
> I recommend reading chapter 5 first, and maybe chapters 1 and 7, as well, all are set in the same AU. If you don't wanna read those, just be aware this is modern (well 1990's actually) AU where all of Cersei's children live, plus she had a 4th child Gemma later in life. For this chapter, all you need to know is Robert is dead, killed years ago by Jaime when Cersei was pregnant with Gemma. Gemma is Cersei's daughter with Jaime, but to the world, she's Robert's child just as Joffrey, Myrcella, and Tommen are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Requested by cutebutpsyco, and delusaedisillusa I know you were wanting this too :)

"I drew another picture mommy, wanna see?"

"Let's get you into your dress first, then I will take a look," replied Cersei. She wanted to be sure Gemma was dressed up before father arrived, he'd find enough other things to criticize her for anyway. She could have had the nanny get Gemma ready, but most of the time she preferred to take care of her daughter herself. Having a nanny available was nice though, it meant she always had the option of taking a break.

"I am glad you are using the crayons Santa brought you," stated Cersei as she helped Gemma into the adorable red dress.

"There, all done. Now for your hair and shoes."

"You said you'd look once my dress was on!"

"Alright. Let me see," replied Cersei smiling at her daughter.

The little girl quickly walked over to the small desk in the corner of the room and grabbed the picture she had drawn and handed it to her mother.

"What a lovely picture," stated Cersei before taking it all in, then she noticed that someone in the picture seemed to be lying down.

"Who is that lying down here?" Cersei asked pointing to the person lying down on their back.

"Uncle Tyrion."

"Why is Tyrion laying down?" asked Cersei

"Because he drinks a lot. When uncle Tyrion drinks it makes him sleep. See that mommy? That was the accident he had," replied Gemma pointing to the pool of yellow she had drawn on Tyrion's blue jeans.

Apparently, Gemma had not forgotten Tyrion's drunken escapade last weekend. A week ago when Cersei took Gemma downstairs to watch cartoons on Saturday morning they had found him passed out on the living room couch. Cersei had been furious to find that Jaime had driven Tyrion back to their house and then had the nerve to let the little imp sleep on her couch. Well, more like pass out, since Jaime insisted that had Tyrion not passed out he would've gotten him to one of the guest rooms. "You should have carried him, carried him back to the car that is and dumped him on his lawn," had been what she'd told him later.

"My, such detail you went into," stated Cersei before continuing, "Why does Joffrey have lines all over him?" she asked, recognizing the tall blonde boy off to the side must be Joffrey.

"He's in a cage mommy"

"A cage?"

"You go in a cage when you're bad. That's where you make them put Sir Pounce when he scratches the chairs. Joffrey is always bad."

Just then there was a knock on the door interrupting their conversation.

"Come in," commanded Cersei.

It was Jaime. "You ready? Myrcella is dressed and waiting in her room to be called down for dinner. Tommen is ready as well, I finally convinced him to wear the Christmas sweater you bought him."

"Almost ready. I just need to put Gemma's ribbon in her hair and get her shoes on."

"Let me show uncle Jaime my picture mommy!"

"Sure," stated Cersei hiding her embarrassment as she handed Gemma's picture back to her.

"Look uncle Jaime, that's you and mommy right there because you're always with mommy just like a daddy is. I don't know why you aren't my daddy." Gemma said pointing in the middle of the picture.

Gemma had drawn Cersei and Jaime holding hands, or so he assumed as their hands were drawn on top of each other. "Very good," complimented Jaime feeling very proud and happy. None of his other children had ever drawn anyone but Robert next to Cersei. At least he could somewhat be a father figure to this one.

"And that's Joffrey because he's always bad, and that's Tyrion, he had an accident, and that's Tommen eating cause he always eats, and that's Myrcella in her dancing clothes, and that's grandpa, and that's me right there!" Stated Gemma as she pointed at each one.

Jaime struggled not to laugh when she pointed at Joffrey in what he assumed was jail. He did begin to laugh some when he saw her renditions of Tyrion and Tommen but quickly turned it into a cough. Next to a drunken passed out Tyrion, Gemma had drawn Tommen five times as big as everyone else with what looked to be a plate of food in front of him. At least Gemma's renditions of herself and Myrcella were pretty normal, with her being in a dress and Myrcella being in what he assumed was her dancer tutu. Tywin looked normal as well, albeit his face had a straight line where the mouth was, same as Joffrey's, while the rest had smiles.

"Wonderful picture. I could go put it on the fridge right now for you," offered Jaime.

Cersei shot Jaime a death stare before speaking up herself.

"Actually, this is such a lovely picture. I'd like to keep it all to myself, next to my bed so I can look at it every night before I go to sleep."

"But then everyone won't see it!" pouted Gemma.

'That's exactly the idea' Thought Cersei to herself. Out loud she said "You know what it's like to not want to share, don't you, well mommy doesn't like to share either, and I really love this picture."

"But, I always have to share in my class! My teacher says sharing is caring!"

"Well, from now on no more sharing with anybody, unless you want to," offered Cersei.

This might cause problems in Gemma's Pre K class, but right now Cersei didn't care. That picture was embarrassing and would likely anger Tywin and Joffrey while embarrassing Tommen. Although she did hesitate for a moment when she realized it would also have the added bonus of embarrassing her horrid little brother. However, her concern for Joffrey and Tommen and fear of Tywin won out in the end. Besides that, Cersei reasoned that a Lannister shouldn't have to share anyway. She would just have to buy multiples of all the toys in the class until there was one of each for however many children there were in the class. Simple solution.

"Yayyyyyyyyyyyy!" exclaimed Gemma excitedly.

Cersei smiled at seeing her young daughter so happy, or at least she started to smile before Gemma spoke again.

"My very own kitty! I'm gonna name him cuddles!"

"Gemma, sweetie, what are you talking about?" asked Cersei.

"My kitty! You said I don't have to share anymore. So now I can have Sir Pounce all to myself because I don't have to share with anyone anymore! I'm gonna call him Cuddles and he's gonna sleep in my room every night and never Tommen's!"

Oh dear. Tommen would be rather upset about such a thing.

"That's not what I meant! I..." Cersei was at a loss for words.

"Gemma, mommy was wrong. Sharing is good. She will put your picture on the fridge, won't you Cersei?" cut in Jaime frowning at Cersei.

"Of course I will. Yes, mommy was wrong, sharing is caring," replied Cersei defeated.

"But I want Sir Pounce!"

"I can perhaps get you your own kitty for your birthday in a few months," replied Cersei hoping Gemma would forget about conversation by then. At least though If she had to, she could always get a declawed older cat, not another Sir Pounce type that would damage all her expensive furniture.

"Well...ok," replied Gemma after a moments thought.

"I can go put this on the fridge for you right now," offered Jaime again.

"No need brother, that is for the help to do. Jaime, please give me the picture and I'll go have one of the help do the honors of putting it on the fridge," Cersei lied. In truth, she planned to put the picture into early storage. If Gemma noticed the picture was not on the fridge she would just tell her, "The maid must have put it on the kitchen fridge, not the dining room fridge" and then distract her with something. Foolproof plan, she hoped.

"Actually, I can give it one of the help, you should finish getting Gemma ready.," replied Jaime not letting go of the picture.

Before Cersei could protest there was a knock on the door.

"Come in," stated Cersei.

"Joffrey is on the line," stated the servant girl who had knocked.

"Alright. I may be a while. Send for the nanny to finish getting Gemma ready," Cersei stated to the girl.

Although Joffrey at nineteen had no job and was not in college Cersei had bought him a house once he turned eighteen. She would have preferred him to stay here with her, but Joffrey was very insistent that he wanted his own place. She'd at first wanted to buy him a house close by, but he'd insisted on a nice large red mansion a thirty-minute drive away that he'd spotted while out driving one day. Cersei could still not deny her eldest child anything and so the owner of the mansion was quickly offered a far above market value price, which they of course accepted.

After several moments on the phone with Joffrey, and after finally promising him a higher allowance Cersei got him to agree to both stay overnight and wear the Christmas sweater she'd had shipped to him weeks ago.

Shortly after leaving the room in which she had taken the call, she spotted Jaime.

"Is Gemma with the nanny?" she asked him.

"Yes, she's finishing getting ready."

"Alright, well Father should be here soon, let's go wait for him in the lounge."

"Sure," Replied Jaime, happily thinking they were about to have a Christmas day quickie.

Once they arrived in the lounge room, Jaime gave Cersei a passionate kiss. She pushed him away. "Not here! Father could come in at any moment!"

"But Cersei...:"

"Tonight. I'll sneak down to the basement."

He tried again to put the moves on her. "Jaime, no! If you keep this up I won't be sneaking off to the basement tonight or any other night!"

"Fine," Jaime pouted.

It was a good thing Cersei hadn't given in, because only a few short minutes later their father made his appearance.

"Gemma greeted me on the way here. She was very eager to show me her picture, " stated Tywin sitting down.

"Gemma was with the nanny in her room I thought," replied Cersei.

"She was with the nanny, she demanded they take her to greet her grandpa when he arrived. But, her misbehavior isn't the issue here. Look at this." Said Tywin gesturing to the picture.

"We've seen it." Cersei and Jaime replied in unison.

"Well then surely you can see there is a major problem here," he stated, looking Cersei right in the eyes before continuing, "I've told you that you needed to use a firmer hand on those children of yours. Even your four year old knows. Joffrey is always in and out of jail. Myrcella is dancing her life away when she is not with that Martell boy that is, and Tommen gets fatter and fatter by the day. Will any of them even attend college? Joffrey is nineteen, he should be a sophomore or at least a freshman by now. At least there may still be hope for Gemma, though with how demanding she is..."

"Joffrey is in a cage in that picture not jail." cut in Cersei finally.

"Don't play innocent with me. You know as a senator I know a lot of people. It hasn't escaped my ears that the boy has had more than a handful of run-ins with the law."

"Joffrey is just coming to terms with being an adult and being out on his own for the first time," defended Cersei.

"Joffrey has always been trouble. Where did you go wrong with the boy?" asked Tywin rhetorically.

"He's a fine boy, just give him some time, as for the others, Myrcella loves dancing and Tommen isn't that fat!" defended Cersei once again.

"Myrcella needs to start thinking about colleges. Least she ends up like Joffrey," replied Tywin.

"She's only a sophomore!" Exclaimed Jaime cutting in.

"It's never too early to start thinking about college, but you are her uncle, not her father or grandfather, I don't see how it concerns you any," replied Tywin.

"Now about Tommen, how big are you going to let the boy get before you send him to fat camp? I've given you several brochures. You need to pick one already." stated Tywin addressing Cersei this time.

"Tommen's not that big. He's just a little chubby," stated Cersei in denial. At thirteen Tommen was only 5'4 and nearly 200 pounds.

"Yes, well there are more important things to worry about any way I suppose. Surely you could see from that picture the confusion you're causing Gemma. " He stated pointing at the Cersei and Jaime in the picture before continuing. "As I told you both numerous times, Jaime needs to move out. He can more than afford his own place. You staying here just fuels all those disgusting rumors." Tywin stated looking at Jaime.

"I know that father. I just haven't found the perfect house yet," replied Jaime.

"I've told you, with your fortune you can more than afford to buy any house you want."

"Well...all the ones I think look nice and are located in a neighborhood I like aren't for sale," lied Jaime hoping this would provide a good excuse for why he'd been living with Cersei for the past three years after finally getting out of jail for suspicion of murder.

"You're a Lannister. It doesn't need to be for sale. You can more than afford to hire a private investigator to find who owns it and track them down. Offer them double, or triple the value. They will take it." Scolded Tywin.

"I don't like to spend my money so frivolously." Said Jaime trying to think of another excuse.

"Then tell me a house you like and I will take care of it all," offered Twin before continuing, "You cannot continue to stay here. It only helps fuel the incest rumors and the rumors that you killed Robert to have your sister all to yourself!

"I'll try to pick one father," lied Jaime.

"You had better. I know Stannis killed Robert, but many in the community don't share that opinion. The things they think of you two, it sickens me. You know how hard Stannis has been pushing to try to get a DNA test done on the children. You should consent so we can lay the disgusting rumors to rest."

"We will consider it father," stated Cersei with her own lie.

Once Jon Arryn's body was found two months after his death, because of his close ties to Robert a murder investigation had been launched. Jaime had been jailed and was awaiting trial when to his luck Stannis Baratheon hired an undercover police officer to kill his younger brother Renly. This evidence caused the jury to vote in Jaime's favor. Poor Stannis was not so lucky though and went to prison several months ago for the attempted murder of Renly, which he was guilty of, as well as the murder of Robert. Ever since then he had been trying to force the courts to make Cersei's children take a dna test, but he'd had no luck so far.

The three sat in tense silence for another moment before someone knocked on the door.

"Come in," stated Cersei

It was Tyrion, much to Cersei's chagrin. She'd just gotten rid of him this morning after present opening and now he was back for dinner. To her annoyance, he had even gotten Gemma a super soaker as a gift. That would be rather annoying because knowing Gemma she wouldn't limit her water attacks to the help.

"Hello, Jaime, Cersei, father." Replied Tyrion uneasily. Tywin and Tyrion had never been close, but they had started to get closer when Tyrion embarked on a political career in his mid-twenties. That closeness lasted only a few short years before Tyrion converted to becoming a Democrat and Tywin had never forgiven him.

"Tyrion, you didn't have to come. We already exchanged all our gifts earlier." Stated Cersei.

"Christmas dinner with my nephew and nieces? I wouldn't miss that for the world.....hey what's that there?" Asked Tyrion finally noticing the picture.

Nephew? Not Nephews? Before Cersei could correct his tongue slip, and before the picture could cause anymore awkwardness, someone else knocked on the door.

This time It was a maid. "The chefs wanted me to inform you that the meal is ready and on it's way to the dining room, your son Joffrey has just arrived as well, he is in the living room smoking."

"Thank you," replied Cersei, slightly annoyed that her eldest son wasn't following her house rules.

"Should I inform the children and Joffrey that the meal is ready?" asked the maid breaking Cersei out of her thoughts.

"How stupid are you? Of course, I would want you to inform them, it's Christmas dinner!" Exclaimed Cersei.

"I'm sorry ma'am I will do so at once."

"Please do, and do not ever call me ma'am again. I am not that old!" Cersei stated glaring at the poor maid who quickly scurried off.

Ten minutes later everyone was finally seated in the large dining room.

"So, do any of you children have plans for college?" Asked Tywin.

There was an awkward silence for a moment.

"I'm hoping to get into Julliard." offered Myrcella finally.

"Julliard. A performing arts school? " replied Tywin horrified.

"Yes, grandpa, Julliard. It's the top rated performing arts school in the country. If I can get in I just know I can make it onto Broadway one day."

"Do you have any idea how many people think they will make it onto Broadway one day?" asked Tywin.

"Father, how about asking how our Christmases were instead? We were all so saddened that you could not make it earlier," lied Tyrion, seeing where this conversation was going.

"A senators work is never done. Although yours certainly should be. And you Jaime, you just abandoned your career for what to stay here and hang out with your nephew and nieces? "

"I hated politics. I only got into them because you pushed me I was glad to retire." Jaime stated.

"And now look at you. a nearly fifty-year-old man living in his sister's basement." replied Tywin.

At that Joffrey burst into laughter.

"You shouldn't laugh. Don't think I don't know that you aren't in school. You won't amount to anything with the way you've been living." Scolded Tywin.

At that Joffrey fumed silently.

Cersei tried to lighten the things some, mostly to improve Joffrey's sour mood.

"So, what were you so busy with this Christmas morning, Joffrey?"

"I don't need to answer to you." Replied Joffrey rudely.

"Answer your mother," demanded Tywin.

"I was sleeping. I had a late night last night."

"A late night doing what?" asked Cersei concerned.

"Partying." Replied Joffrey simply.

"Well, would any of you like to tell Grandpa about your Christmas presents?" Asked Jaime this time being the one to try to steer the conversation onto a better path.

"I got several new games and I'm getting my own kitty when it's my birthday!" exclaimed Gemma

"Really, another cat, Cersei?" asked Tywin raising an eyebrow. Tywin was no fool, he'd figured out why the furniture now all had covers and why it was being replaced more frequently.

"I want another cat too, then mom," demanded Tommen.

"Well, it isn't your birthday until May, and you have Sir Pounce already," explained Cersei

"Sir Pounce is everyone's cat though. Or at least you always tell me that everytime Gemma asks for him to sleep in her room. You could get me my present early. Two kittens, one for me, one for Gemma. I read that kittens adjust much better when they have a littermate to keep them company," stated Tommen helpfully.

"Two kitties!" exclaimed Gemma.

"We'll see about it," replied Cersei at a loss for how to get out of this.

"Well, I got a great gift. Santa got me a new car," stated Jaime winking at Cersei.

It didn't go unnoticed by Tywin. "Santa should be careful what he gives to certain people. It might cause trouble or give the wrong impression if he gets the wrong someone too good of a gift."

"Well, uncle Jaime must have been very good to get such a big gift! I bet he never does anything wrong!" stated Gemma.

Upon hearing that Jaime nearly choked on his food as he began to laugh,

"Stop acting like a fool. Lannisters aren't fools!" scolded Tywin.

"Well, would anyone else like to tell grandpa what they got for Christmas?" Asked Tyrion this time, in hopes of preventing another argument.

"I got several new dresses. They're all so beautiful. This one is my favorite, though." stated Myrcella, wisely leaving out all the dance-themed gifts she had gotten as well as the techno cd's she had been gifted.

"That's good. It's always important to look one's best. First impressions matter a lot in this world," stated Tywin approvingly.

"I agree with your grandfather, It's always good to look one's best," affirmed Cersei.

"Well, I don't think it matters quite so much," stated Jaime.

"Yes, we can all see that from how you're dressed," stated Tywin disapprovingly.

The room was silent once again.

"I got tons of new video games! I've already played them some. I still can't decide whether I like Nintendo or Sega better," Stated Tommen breaking the awkward silence.

"You're getting a bit too old for video games." stated Tywin before continuing, "Do you have any college plans?"

"Well, I'd like to work with animals one day. I love helping animals, especially cats," replied Tommen proudly.

"A noble profession, but not quite as noble as helping your fellow human," stated Tywin.

"It's not helping to keep cutting programs that the poor and needy need," replied Tyrion, unable to control himself.

"The poor need to get a better work ethic and then they wouldn't be poor," defended Tywin.

Seeing this wasn't going to end well, Jaime brought up a topic they could all agree on, or so he thought.

"I hope they put Stannis to death soon, he really needs to pay for what he did to Robert. Poor Gemma will never even know him," Stated Jaime trying his best to sound sad.

"Who's Robert?" asked Gemma.

"Your father. Our father," Stated Joffrey proudly.

"But, a daddy lives with you, like uncle Jaime does. Why isn't uncle Jaime my daddy?" asked Gemma innocently.

"See what I mean?" stated Tywin rhetorically to Cersei, referring to their earlier conversation about how this living arrangement was confusing to a child Gemma's age.

"Well, Robert had a lot of enemies, what if Stannis is actually innocent?" asked Tyrion before continuing, "Do you know how many innocent people get put to death every year?"

A long tense political argument broke out then, much as they break out every holiday in American houses. Eventually, Joffrey was the first to take his leave. Cersei followed him, and unnoticed by everyone else, Gemma followed her.

Joffrey headed to the lounge room because he thought he had left his cigarettes there and Cersei walked with him, trying to make conversation. Unnoticed, Gemma followed both of them. The lounge room was just a short walk from the dining room and it wasn't until they'd arrived there that Cersei remembered about the picture Gemma had left.

Joffrey was busy searching for his cigarettes and hadn't noticed the picture, but he did, however, notice his mother's mad dash to the other side of the room.

"And what is that, there?" He asked her gesturing to the picture in her hand.

"Nothing."

"It's not nothing, I drew that!" Exclaimed Gemma hurt.

"Gemma, where did you come from?" asked Cersei.

"The Stork, you know that mommy," she replied confused before continuing "I wanna show Joffrey my picture. My picture is not nothing!"

"Not interested," He replied dismissively.

Normally Cersei would have insisted but she didn't want him to see it anyways. Joffrey had no humor. At least not when he felt it was mocking him.

"Give me my picture mommy."

"Joffrey's not interested, sweetie."

Gemma pouted. "Well, I want my picture anyway."

Reluctantly Cersei handed the picture to her daughter. Unfortunately, Gemma was not a quitter. She immediately went over to Joffrey with the picture.

"Look, now!" She exclaimed as he sat down on the lounge chair after failing to find his cigarettes.

"No."

At that Gemma held the picture up to his face. Rolling his eyes, he decided to look, figuring some criticism would ruin that excitement of hers.

"You drew me in jail?" Joffrey asked his youngest sister grabbing the picture from her.

Before waiting for an answer he began to rip the picture to shreds.

"My picture!" exclaimed Gemma angerly.

"Joffrey! How could you!" exclaimed Cersei aghast.

Suddenly, Gemma lunged at her brother. She grabbed his arm and bit down hard. She sunk her teeth in and would not let go.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Get off me you little brat!" exclaimed Joffrey clearly in pain.

"Gemma, stop!" commanded Cersei to no avail, Gemma would just not release Joffrey's arm.

"Mother, get her off me!" exclaimed a furious Joffrey.

With some effort, Cersei managed to pull Joffrey's arm out of Gemma's mouth. The little girl backed up some and unnoticed by her mother spit out some of Joffrey's blood on the floor as Cersei inspected the damage to Joffrey's arm.

"Send her to her room!" demanded Joffrey.

"Joffrey, you did destroy her picture. I think we can consider you both even now. Ask a maid to get you a band-aid, and some disinfectant for that," Cersei replied right before Gemma stuck her tongue out at her older brother.

"Well, I'm going home." Stated Joffrey angerly.

"You are doing no such thing. You promised you'd stay overnight. We have a lot of games planned. Starting with Gemma's favorite, Candyland. Unless that is you don't want your weekly allowance?"

"Fine," stated Joffrey unhappily.

"Don't pout, it's Christmas." requested Cersei

"He's already on the naughty list and it's a whole nother year till Santa visits!" exclaimed Gemma happily.

"Santa is" began Joffrey starting to tell his sister the truth.

"Joffrey don't you dare!" exclaimed Cersei glaring at him.

"He just doesn't like Santa cause he's always on the naughty list!'

"Enough Gemma, let's take a quick bathroom break, then at six thirty we will all meet in the game room to play some games."

And so everyone, (except Tywin who already had headed back home) played with the new games they had gotten for Christmas. A merry Christmas evening was had by all, except for a sulking Joffrey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this was good and that I wrote Gemma well. Next Chapter will be Myrcella's first steps or first words and Jaime won't be as excited as Cersei over it. Requested by anon.


	9. Christmas Season 2003

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Visiting Santa with young Joffrey and baby Myrcella, Christmas season 2003

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Requested by anonymous who wanted me to do a fic of Myrcella saying her first words or walking for the first time and Jaime can't be as excited as Cersei.

Cersei's cell phone rang yet again for the fifth time in a row. Looking at the caller id, she rolled her eyes. Why couldn't Jaime understand she was busy with the children?

Skipping a greeting she decided to finally answer; "Why do you keep calling? I told you this morning I was going to be busy with the children this afternoon. "

"I.....I know," replied Jaime. "I just, I miss you."

"We just saw each other three hours ago!"

"Yeah, but, it's hard being so close, and yet so far from you all the time. "

Cersei sighed. She hated it too, but what could she do? It's not like she could marry her brother. This marriage with Robert Baratheon was what she had to do to secure her future. The man had a lot of friends in high places, both Bush senior and Bush Junior had endorsed him for governor after all. Cersei was so sure he'd be president one day, and she would be the first lady. Sometimes, she wondered though, was it worth it? Marrying a man she did not love, watching young Joffrey and one day little Myrcella call him daddy.

"I hate it too," she finally replied before continuing, "But, we have no choice. " She paused before continuing, "You know Robert is away campaigning again, why don't you come over tonight after the kids go to bed?"

"Or I could come over right now and you can have the nanny watch the kids."

"You know that I've been looking forward to this day for months!"

Cersei heard Jaime sigh. "Yes, I know. You've been talking about it non stop. Myrcella's first visit to Santa. But, Cersei, she's not even one! She won't remember a thing!"

"Well, I'm taking Joffrey anyway, so I may as well get some adorable pictures and video of Myrcella on Santa's lap!"

"You could go a different day."

"I love you brother, but you are getting on my nerves, I'll talk to you later."

"Wait!" exclaimed Jaime before she could hang up.

"What?" sighed Cersei.

"I want to go with you."

"Really?" asked Cersei, "Why?"

"It's just...I've already missed so many firsts. Joffrey's first visit to Santa, as well as his first words and steps. Myrcella's first steps as well, and, probably her first words too soon. I'd like to at least be there for her first visit to Santa."

He'd never shown any interest in the children before. Sure he'd held Joffrey when he'd been born, but it had been obvious he'd resented all the attention Cersei gave to the boy. He'd held Myrcella too, but in the eleven months she'd been alive he hadn't expressed all that much interest in her, either.

"Well, ok, should I have my limo driver swing by your place on the way to the mall in say a half hour?"

"That sounds good. Do you have to bring Joffrey, though?"

"Are you really suggesting I leave my son with the nanny while I take Myrcella to see Santa?"

"Well, remember Joffrey's last visit to Santa? You don't want a repeat of that, do you?"

Cersei certainly did remember. Joffrey hadn't liked Santa's answer that he would "try his best" on getting him all those toys. He'd demanded Santa promise him they would all be under the tree on Christmas morning. Cersei had tried to signal the fat old costumed man to nod his agreement, but he'd failed to notice. Santa had instead told him he had a lot of boys and girls to deliver to, but if Joffrey was good he would try his best. Joffrey, in turn, had a fit right on Santa's lap.

"Joffrey's older now. Besides that, I called ahead to have the store manager alert this Santa to agree to anything a little blonde boy named Joffrey wants."

"Couldn't that backfire? I mean, what if another little blonde boy named Joffrey wants something that his parents can't afford?" asked Jaime curiously.

"Oh please. I gave my little lion cub such a unique name that there is no chance of that happening," replied Cersei rolling her eyes at her brother's stupidity.

"Well, alright then, I'll see you in a while, right?"

"Yes, Joffrey and I just finished lunch and I'm about to nurse Myrcella right now then we will head out."

"Alright. I love you, Cersei."

Cersei smiled, "I love you too."

Nearly twenty minutes later Cersei was in her limo on the way to her brother lovers house. She began to reminisce. Jaime had missed so much with Joffrey, but now with Myrcella perhaps things could be different. Robert had been home far too much, but now with all the campaigning, he was seldom home. If he made governor then he would be even busier then his senator job kept him. She still remembered Jaime's jealousy when Joffrey's first word had been spoken to Robert of all people. "Mine" the boy had said. It had come out sounding more like "mime", but given that he had been pointing at the cookie in Robert's hand Cersei had been pretty sure it was supposed to have been "mine". It had been an adorable moment, but Jaime hadn't shared in her happiness. Perhaps with Myrcella things would be different.

Finally, the limo arrived at Jaime's house. Cersei called him to let him know the limo had arrived and he headed out right away.

A short while later the four arrived at the mall. Looking at them you'd think they were a normal young couple with their little boy and baby daughter. Joffrey was super excited to see Santa so they went there first. He'd forgotten about last years incident, largely because he'd gotten everything he wanted and then some for Christmas.

Cersei pushed the stroller with Myrcella while Jaime held onto Joffrey's hand, much to his chagrin. Finally, they arrived at the line to Santa.

A very happy little blonde boy was just getting off of Santa's lap. His parent's who in Cersei's opinion should not have even left the house in those raggy clothes looked as if they were trying to mask a great sadness. The boy excitedly talked about how this Christmas would be different and finally, he'd have toys like other boys and girls. Cersei sighed, almost feeling sorry for the boy. What terrible parents, they should have called ahead to let Santa know of their misfortune, so as to not get the boys hopes up, just as she had called ahead to let Santa know of her fortune so Joffrey didn't have a repeat of last year.

After around ten minutes it was finally Joffrey and Myrcella's turn to see Santa. Which was a good thing, because Joffrey was not a patient boy and Cersei had already had to stop him from antagonizing other little boys and girls in the line several times.

Cersei let the elves carry Myrcella onto Santa's lap where Joffrey had just sat down.

"Hello, little boy. What is your name?"

"Joffrey," he replied proudly as the elves set Myrcella onto Santas lap next to Joffrey.

Realization followed by a look of "oh crap" appeared on Santa's face, but he quickly covered it up and replied, "Very nice name. and I see this is your sister here? Perhaps your mommy can tell me what she would like for Christmas?"

"Who cares? She's just a baby. I want a new remote control car and a new remote control plane and I want a......" and on and on Joffrey went for around five minutes. Santa listened quietly to it all just as he had been informed to do when Joffrey started talking. He'd been told the boy's mother had paid the store manager a very large sum of money for his cooperation.

Cersei was glad she had paid the extra money to have this whole thing filmed. She would ensure every single item was under the tree this year. The best ones coming from her, of course. No way was she letting some fairy tale character take credit for the best of the gifts.

"Santa will get you everything you want." promised the mall Santa, once Joffrey finally finished.

"You better. I know where you live," threatened Joffrey.

"Joffrey!" exclaimed Cersei.

"Where do you think I live?" Asked the mall Santa, amused.

"The north pole of course. Are you really Santa?" asked Joffrey accusingly.

Just then, Myrcella began to whine.

"Perhaps I should ask your mommy what your little sister wants? Yes, though, yes I am really Santa."

"Well, don't forget anything or else!" threatened Joffrey getting off Santa's lap and going to join his mother and Jaime whom were standing off to the side next to Santa.

Cersei started to tell Santa what toys she thought Myrcella would enjoy when suddenly, it happened

"Da-Da!" exclaimed Myrcella to the fat bearded man whose lap she was sitting on.

"Ho ho ho, so I look like your daddy, little one?" Asked Santa rhetorically.

"Da-Da" repeated Myrcella, looking right at Santa.

Cersei stood there awkwardly, while Jaime silently fumed next to her.

"Well, what would this little one like?" asked Santa breaking through the awkwardness and looking at Cersei.

Cersei began to rattle off many things, all the while hiding her embarrassment and excitement. She was thrilled that Myrcella had finally said her first word. She was embarrassed though that it had been to a mall Santa, and she had called him "da-da" at that.

Finally, Cersei was finished with Myracella's list and they were all escorted to the "elf-o-graph" to pick up their photos and video.

Once they were out of range of Santa, Cersei started talking excitedly.

"Can you believe it? Myrcella's talking already! Joffrey didn't say a word until he was fourteen months!"

"Yeah. Great," replied Jaime unenthusiastically.

"What's wrong? Why don't you sound happy?" asked Cersei, clearly confused.

"Gee, I don't know, maybe because my daughter just called another man daddy?"

Before Cersei could reprimand him on his incriminating choice of words Joffrey tugged her arm sleeve. "Ice Cream, mommy." He started pointing at the ice cream stand that was at the front of the food court they were passing by.

"Alright, let's get you and your sister some ice cream," Cersei stated, smiling at her son.

The next twenty minutes were spent getting ice cream, and then as Joffrey ate his ice cream Cersei tried to coax Myrcella into saying "ma-ma, to no avail. To make Jaime's mood worse, Cersei seemed to have forgotten he was even there. He fumed silently until finally, Cersei announced it was time to go.

By the time the four made it to the limo Cersei had finally noticed Jaime's still foul mood. She got Joffrey settled in and distracted watching cartoons on the luxurious limo's large screen tv, then questioned her brother.

"Jaime, what gives? Why aren't you happy?"

"I told you. My daughter called another man daddy, just as Joffrey does all the time. What do you expect?" He asked getting straight to the point.

"I am sure she doesn't think Santa is her daddy. She doesn't even know him."

"She clearly felt more of a bond with him then she does me."

"You're being ridiculous."

"You're right. Because we both know who she was really thinking of when she called Santa daddy. I mean hell, add a couple more wrinkles and change the color of the beard and the two could be clones," he ranted.

"Jaime......"

"Don't. Just don't."

After a few moments of tense silence, the two reached Jaime's house and bid their farewells. There would be no kiss, not with the children there, but normally, Jaime would try for a hug. This time, Cersei was the one to make the first move. Jaime stiffly hugged her back. The very next day Jaime adopted two puppies from the local SPCA and he named them Joffy and Marcy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this! The next two chapters will be more drabble then fics, and the final one will be set in the AU with Gemma.


	10. Christmas Day 1906

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas Day in Cersei and Jaime's Childhood, 1906

Cersei and Jaime finally finished unwrapping all their presents. Jaime looked beyond happy, however, Cersei looked as if she were fighting back tears. 

"Father, I think Santa forgot a gift." Cersei sadly informed her father.

"What is it you think Santa forgot?"

"My electric train. I asked for one in my letter just the same as Jaime did."

"Santa know's that trains are for little boys to play with, not little girls," replied their father Tywin. 

"But, I wanted a train!" 

"Trains are for boys. Don't you like your new dollhouse?"

Cersei inspected the dollhouse. It was large and very nice looking, but she'd never asked Santa for it. "No, I wanted a train. And I wanted toy cars and building blocks. I never asked Santa for any of that," She replied gesturing to the dollhouse, various dolls and the tea set laying around. 

Tywin sighed wearily. "Go to your room and play while Jaime and I watch the servants assemble his train set. Be grateful you didn't get coal," he said sternly.

Cersei sulked off to her room, not even bothering to take any of her new toys with her. She lay in her bed for around a half hour before there was a knock on the door. Jaime's secret knock.

"Come in," She said through her tears.

"I hate Santa!" exclaimed Cersei as soon as he entered.

"I'm sorry," he replied trying to comfort her.

"This is the worst Christmas ever! I know father said Santa can't bring mother back, but Santa could have at least given me what I'd wanted! "

"I know. I don't understand why you didn't get what you wanted either. When mother was alive you always got what you wanted."

"Then maybe there is no Santa," replied Cersei, her belief shattered, "Maybe, maybe all along it's been mother and father."

"Father wouldn't lie to us!" protested Jaime

"He already has. Remember when mother died? He told us she would be fine. Then she died and now we have that deformed monster instead."

Normally Jaime would reprimand his sister for that kind of comment. This time he decided to let it slide. Instead, he said the only thing he knew that would make her feel somewhat better.

"You can play with my toys whenever you want. I'll never tell father. You can even take whatever you want and sneak it to your room." Cersei had been forced to move out of their shared room last year, but the two already found ways to avoid the guards and sneak off to each other's rooms. 

Cersei sniffled. "It's not the same as having my very own electric train, but thank you, Jaime," she replied hugging him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this is a very short amount of time so I hope it was good. Requests are now closed as I have an idea of what the last two chapters will be.


	11. Joffrey's Christmas/Birthday Party 1985

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas Eve's Eve, 1985, Joffrey age 4 (turning 5), Jaime & Cersei mid to late 20's. Robert was going to be Santa for Joffrey's Christmas/Birthday party, but he cancels at the last minute, leaving Jaime to be Santa....and Tyrion an elf.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it took so long! I wanted to have these all finished by new years day, but that obviously didn't happen! I will try to have the last one, which will be one with Gemma set in either late 90's or early 2000's out in the next few days! And I know I already have 2 other 1980's ones, but what can I say, I like the decade!

"I hate Robert! I hate him so much!" Cersei exclaimed to her brother and lover, Jaime. "He promised he'd be home before five! And now to call and say he can't make it at the last minute when he's been saying for weeks that he wanted to be Santa! Please Jaime, please, you have to do it. You have to be Santa!"

"Isn't there anybody else you could find?" asked Jaime desperately.

"No, I've tried," she stated.

"Well, you could just tell Joffrey that Santa got extra busy at the north pole and couldn't make it," replied Jaime, silently cursing his son for being born on the eve of Christmas Eve.

"No, I promised Joffrey that Mr. and Mrs. Clause would make a special trip just to see him on his birthday. It's two days until Christmas and every Santa in the phone book either didn't answer or told me they were booked already or too busy to go on such short notice. Of course, though I suppose I could call back and offer them double, or triple, or even more to ditch their booked gig for mine."

Tyrion whom until now had remained quiet on the couch, chose that moment to give his input, "That would ruin someone else's Christmas event or party, likely of some other children. We're sorry Robert had to cancel last minute, but Joffrey will surely understand that Santa just couldn't find the time, what with Christmas being so close."

Hearing that Cersei got an evil gleam in her eyes. "Look's like it won't just be Mr. and Mrs. Clause visiting Joffrey."

"What do you mean?" asked Jaime, confused.

"Santa, Mrs. Clause, and the head elf! Oh, Joffrey will be the happiest little boy alive. I can't wait to see the smile on his face!" she exclaimed.

"No. You can't be serious," replied Tyrion.

"Very well then. I suppose I must go call the Santas back and ruin some other child's Christmas," Cersei replied with fake solemness.

"Ok," replied Jaime, relieved.

"What? No. We'll do it," confirmed Tyrion.

"We will? No, we won't!" protested Jaime.

"Cersei, can Jaime and I talk in private for a moment?" he asked, motioning for her to leave the room.

"No."

Tyrion sighed. "Jaime, a word in private please?" he asked gesturing for his brother to follow him out of the room.

"Sure, I suppose."

Once out of Cersei's earshot Tyrion asked him, "You really are okay with some other children having their party ruined?"

Jaime shrugged. "Well, I don't wanna dress up in a hot suit, it may be winter but we still live in Florida! Do you really want to dress up as an elf?"

"No." He paused. "But, I still remember the disappointment when I was a child and that clown didn't show up."

"So that's why you hate clowns! And all this time I thought you were afraid of them."

"Why would I be afraid of clowns?" asked Tyrion confused.

"Thought it might run in the family. Remember Lancel?" replied Jaime..

Ah yes, Tyrion did remember Lancel. The boy had run out of his own seventh birthday party crying. He had refused to go back to the party until the clown had finally left.

"Alright, well, no, I'm not afraid of clowns like Lancel is, but that's beside the point. You don't want to let your....your sister....down do you? You know how sad she will be if Joffrey doesn't get what he wants," informed Tyrion

Jaime sighed. Tyrion had him there. "Very well then. I'll agree with it, but where is Cersei going to get a Santa suit that fits me, and an elf costume for you, on such short notice?"

"I'm sure she'll find a way."

The two returned to the living room and Cersei asked,

"So, will you guys do it?"

"We will," replied Jaime.

"Good, I'll call for a maid to sew in lot's of extra padding in the Santa suit, since of course, you aren't anywhere near as fat as Robert. "

"I'm not fat at all!" protested Jaime.

"No, no, not yet, but you may want to lay off the sweets for a while, my sweet brother," she replied.

Tyrion shifted uncomfortably and gave a cough to remind Cersei of his presence.

At that she turned to him, finally remembering his promise to be an elf.

"Oh, don't worry, Tyrion. we'll find something for you to wear. Not that I really think you need a costume at all to pull off being an elf," she stated, smirking at her youngest brother before continuing, "However Joffrey would recognize you otherwise. Where to get an elf costume on such short notice?" She paused and thought for a moment, before continuing.

"You know no one will miss those life-size elf statues on display in the main hall. I'll even let you chose between the red, or green dressed one. Then you must send for one of my makeup artists to make you look more elfish, not that that will require too much work of course."

"Cersei, I don't think I'll fit into clothes from a decoration display," stated Tyrion.

"You're right. It might be just a little too big for you. Just fold the sleeves up, if you must," she replied.

"That's not what I....."

"Maybe we could make a quick trip to the costume shop instead....." Jaime interrupted helpfully.

"Nonsense. There is no time. Joffrey's party will be over very shortly. They've already had cake and ice cream and he finished opening all his presents about an hour ago. We can only prolong the games for so long before he gets impatient to see Santa. Now Jaime, go help Tyrion move and undress the elf. I'll call for a maid to alter the Santa suit, then I must get back to the party."

"You could call for a maid to move and undress the elf too," suggested Jaime.

"I could, but I won't," replied Cersei.

"Let's go Jaime." sighed Tyrion defeated.

"And hurry up, Joffrey was promised he'd be escorted to Santa immediately after all the other children left. A few have already left and that was twenty minutes ago," informed Cersei

Cersei finally returned to Joffrey's party and was glad to see he was still having a good time playing games with the few remaining children. However, around twenty minutes later, those children's parents began to take their leave too. After forty minutes everyone else had left and Joffrey was very anxious to see Santa, but Cersei decided that first, she'd best check to make sure everything was going as planned.

"Mommy is gonna go check if Santa's arrived yet, I'll be right back, okay?"

"Can I come with?" asked Joffrey

"It's better if you stay here, play with your new toys, I'll only be a moment."

"But, I wanna go now!" he protested.

"No, you will just have to wait. I will be right back."

"Fine" he replied, disappointed and angry.

Cersei headed to the room but when she arrived she discovered neither Jaime or Tyrion were there. Mrs. Clause however was.

"You're Mrs. Clause?" asked Cersei horrified. She hadn't expected someone so young and beautiful. Cersei now regretted letting Robert chose the Mrs. Clause this year. She fought the rage building up inside of her. How dare he pick some young sexy women for this occasion. Had he fucked her yet? Probably. The thought didn't make her jealous any, but rather angry that he'd have such a women around their children.

Her thoughts were soon forgotten when Jaime arrived a moment later in his Santa suit and Tyrion in his elf suit. She had to stifle a laugh. Jaime looked so fat, the maid had really done a good job with the padding. Tyrion also looked utterly ridiculous in his elf costume. It was obvious it was at least two sizes too small for him, and here she had thought it would be too big! Luckily it seemed to fit well in the waist, but the sleeves were, however, all quite short on him.

"Alright now listen up. Tyrion, you will tell him happy stories of what elves do. You will tell him how much fun you had making his toys. Jaime, you will tell him he's getting everything he wants for Christmas, and if he asks anything about the north pole try your best to tell him a good story. Ummm what's your name?" she asked the women dressed as Mrs. Clause

"My name's Brittany and I'm sure I will enjoy helping Santa," replied the women.looking at Jaime in a suggestive way.

At that comment Cersei looked furious, Jaime looked uncomfortable and Tyrion looked amused and as if he wanted to show her Jaime wasn't the only Lannister brother worth knowing,

"Alright, well Brittany, have you ever played Mrs. Clause before?" she asked, forcing herself to suppress her rage.

"Yes, many times, not for a children's party before, though."

Cersei felt sick at the implication. She hated Robert. Perhaps later that night she'd sneak next door and have Jaime help her create another pure Lannister child.

"Alright, well, Brittany, just act agreeable and nice and don't get too cozy with anybody. The three of you all better do a good job, or else, and if anything inappropriate happens you will regret it", she added as she caught Tyrion staring at the women's ass.

Cersei then went to bring Joffrey to the room The next thirty minutes were spent with him excitedly talking mostly to Santa and his head elf, with Mrs. Clause adding an occasional comment or two. Joffrey was even more thrilled to learn that Santa's workshop was located in Alaska. He excitedly talked about how surely his mother could take him there next year since they went to Alaska every winter to ski and sled. 'Dumb Jaime' thought Cersei to herself, 'he should have told him Antartica'.

Finally, it was nearing Joffrey's bedtime and time for Santa to take his leave. Cersei called for one of the nannies to take Joffrey upstairs to his playroom where his new toys had been brought. For once the boy didn't protest any. Cersei reasoned that he must not want to be put on Santa's naughty list at the last minute. Shortly thereafter, Brittany left the room and Tyrion followed her out.

"Thank you, Mr. Clause," said Cersei to Jaime after everyone else had left, giving him a quick hug and kiss.

"Anything for you Cersei," replied Jaime, smiling back at her.

"Let's go make sure Brittany is on her way out. I'd hate for Joffrey to catch a glimpse of her and Tyrion doing anything," Cersei stated, disgusted.

Jaime walked with her to the front exit, then paused in one of the halls. "Mistletoe," he stated, pointing up. Cersei rolled her eyes but replied, "Well, I suppose we must kiss then." The two shared a short but passionate kiss. However, unbeknownst to them, a pair of little eyes was watching them from upstairs.

Finally, Cersei pulled away, this was too risky, anyone from upstairs could catch a glimpse from the long winding staircase if they chose that moment to go downstairs.

"Let's go now, this is too risky," she stated to him.

"Ok," replied Jaime, somewhat disappointed as the two headed out to the living room exit.

There they spotted a very desperate looking Tyrion trying his best to flirt with Brittany, who had since removed her Santa hat, revealing her hair to be identical to Cersei's. Long, blonde and very big as was in style. Though Cersei reasoned that unlike her natural golden blonde hair, this women's blonde color likely came from a bottle.

Then, just as Brittany was being escorted out by Tyrion, there was Robert at the door.

"Sorry, I missed my son's birthday/Christmas party!" he stated, apologizing to Cersei for once, before turning to look at the Mrs. Clause. "See you around the office on Monday," he stated to her., she smiled and said in a breathy voice "Yes, see you then." as she walked out the door to her car.

"So, how did you like Mrs. Clause? Great gal, eh?" he asked them as he shut the door.

Cersei fought the rage building up inside her while Tyrion replied, "Great girl," hoping she had not given him a fake number as so often happened to him.

"Well, where's my birthday boy?" asked Robert

"In the game room playing. I was going to put him to bed shortly," replied Cersei

"Well, let's go see him, You two should really head home now, it's getting late," he stated to Tyrion and Jaime, dismissing them.

"I was just about to head to the bathroom to change out of this elf costume and then take my leave," stated Tyrion,

Jaime, however, replied, "I'd like to see him once more too, actually, just let me quickly get this Santa suit and beard off" he replied as he took off the Santa hat. In truth, he didn't care all that much, but if he could prevent an intimate family bonding moment between the three of them he sure wasn't going to miss the chance.

"Well, sure then, I suppose. Let's go," Robert replied as Jaime quickly took off the Santa suit.

The three of them headed to the game room, Jaime struggling to get his Santa beard off and finally succeeding halfway there. Once they entered Joffrey immediately told of what he had seen a short while ago.

"I saw mommy kissing Santa Clause!"

There was an awkward silence from everyone in the room until finally, Robert burst out into laughter. "That wasn't your mother, son, that was Mrs. Clause kissing Santa!"

"No, it was momm..." Before the boy could talk more, Cersei hushed him, "It wasn't me, Joffrey. I would never do that to daddy."

"But I saw......"

Robert ruffled the boy's hair "I'm definitely sure it wasn't your mother kissing Santa, boy. Now run along to your room, your mother will be in to tuck you in shortly,"

As soon as Joffrey was gone, Robert turned to Jaime and patted him on the back "Way to go! Hot little number, wasn't she? Hottest Mrs. Clause ever!" he exclaimed congratulating him.

Apparently, Robert had thought that due to the similar hairdo, Joffrey must have spotted Jaime kissing Mrs. Clause, and not Cersei. Cersei and Jaime both held in their laughter at Robert's stupidity. The man would always be too stupid to see what was right under his nose.


	12. Christmas Dinner 2000

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas Day Dinner year 2000, Joffrey 26, Myrcella 22, Tommen 20, Gemma (OC)11  
> Set in the Same AU as Chapters 1, 5, 7 and 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that it's taken me so long to get the last chapter out. I've not been feeling well in weeks, constant earache, and between that and wanting the last chapter to be good it's taken me a while. I hope you guys like this! Thank you for all the reviews and reblogs so far!
> 
> This chapter is set in the Same AU as Chapters 1, 5, 7 and 8, but can be read on its own, just know that Gemma is my OC and Cersei and Jaime's youngest child in this. When Cersei was pregnant with her Jaime killed Robert, who is officially Gemma's father, however, the truth of her and her sibling's paternity is widely suspected and a hot gossip topic for the media.

"You just couldn't wait, could you?" asked Jaime smirking at Cersei as she pulled him away from their guests and into another room. He made a move to draw her in for a kiss, but she pushed him away, "No! I want to know what Tyrion is doing here!"

Jaime's look of amusement quickly turned to a look of frustration. "Well, he's our brother and it's Christmas, where else would he be?"

"At his own house, downing a bottle of scotch, perhaps? I don't care. I didn't invite him, and I don't want him here," answered Cersei.

"I knew you wouldn't, which is why I did. You can hardly ask him to leave now. What would everyone think? Besides that Tyrion is sober now, so no he would not be drowning himself in scotch."

Cersei tried to fight her growing headache and temper as she replied, "As if this dinner wasn't going to be bad enough with father now gone and Tommen with that smirking whore, you just had to go and make it worse!"

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the house Joffrey had let himself in with the key Cersei had given him a while ago, much to Gemma's annoyance.

"Where is mother?" Joffrey asked his sister as he entered the dining room.

"In the lounge room, I believe. Greeting the guests," replied Gemma.

"Has our dear brother brought Margarey or has she finally dumped him yet? Did she finally realize that she chose the wrong brother?" asked Joffrey

Gemma had to stop herself from laughing. Chosen the wrong brother? Tommen was a junior in college, with high hopes and plans for the future. He still planned to be a veterinarian one day. Meanwhile, twenty-six-year-old Joffrey barely finished high school and currently lived off the trust fund Robert had set up for him, which he'd come of age for on his twenty-fifth birthday.

"Well, has she? Dumped him yet, I mean." 

"Since two days ago when you last spoke to mom and asked her? What do you think?"

"Don't get an attitude with me. Answer the question!"

Gemma sighed, "This morning mother said Tommen was bringing Margarey and her grandmother to dinner."

"She's bringing that old bat?"

"I believe so."

"Well, that's too bad. Never did like her. Either way though this should be quite fun. When Margaery see's that I've been working out, she's gonna be sorry she chose that fat little boy over me. Perhaps she'll even dump him right here at this very table," he replied as he got out his cigarettes and lighter.

"Mom says no smoking in the house," scolded Gemma.

"She also says no snacking before dinner, but that doesn't seem to be stopping you," he retorted back before continuing, "Why don't you make yourself useful and get me a pudding too?"

"Get your own pudding. You'll have to go to the kitchen fridge though, this is the last one from here."

"Since you're eating the last one you should go and grab me one. Now," demanded Joffrey

"Get it yourself."

"You get it. Or else I might put this cigarette out on Miss Fluffles."

"Fine," she replied storming off.

"And don't forget a spoon!" he called after her.

Just as the servants laid the ham and side dishes onto the table, Gemma returned with an opened pudding cup with a spoon already inside.

Joffrey quickly put his cigarette out in the nearest potted plant and then grabbed the pudding cup from Gemma. "Finally. It took you long enough, you better not have eaten any of this," he complained as he began to spoon pudding into his mouth. He swallowed and immediately his mouth was on fire. He reached for the closest thing to him to drink. Unfortunately, this happened to be Tyrion's Mcdonald's coffee, which was hot in a different way. His face got all red as if he were on fire. Cersei, Jaime, Tyrion, Myrcella, Trystane, Tommen, Margaery and Olenna Tyrell all walked into the room just in time to see Joffrey spit coffee all over the freshly cooked ham.

"Joffrey! What is going on here!" exclaimed Cersei.

"Hot hot hot!" he exclaimed as the servants came back with their drinks. Joffrey grabbed a drink right off the tray and quickly guzzled it all down.

"So that's where I left my coffee, wonder if it's cooled enough to drink yet," commented Tyrion as he finally noticed his McDonald's coffee sitting on the table.

"Obviously not as I just had some. My mouth was on fire," stated Joffrey

"Yes, McDonald's coffee is never something you should drink until it's had a chance to cool some. Did you know some women recently got third-degree burns from it? So tragic," commented Margaery.

"My mouth was on fire before that actually. This pudding, It's hot. Like super spicy hot."

"Let me see that," replied Cersei concerned as she grabbed the pudding to inspect it. "Chocolate pudding should not have red in it. Where did you get this from?" she asked.

"The kitchen fridge, Gemma got it for me."

"Gemma! Did you put hot sauce in this pudding?"

"Yes. But mom, he was asking for it, he threatened Miss Fluffles even!"

Cersei sighed. "Once again the two of you manage to ruin a holiday dinner," sighed Cersei before continuing, "You realize we will have to go out now, the meal is ruined. "

"Where are we going to find a place that is open on Christmas day, and where we can get in at last moment's notice?" asked Myrcella.

"The Mcdonald's on Riverside is open," suggested Tommen helpfully.

"How do you know they're open? You promised me no more fast food!," cut in Margaery.

"Tyrion got a coffee from there, so it must be open," replied Tommen thinking quick.

"Actually, I got this from the McDonald's on northvine," Tyrion stated as Margaery gave Tommen a look of disapproval.

"Enough. It doesn't matter which McDonald's is open because we are not eating Mcdonald's for Christmas dinner!" exclaimed Cersei.

"Where, then? There isn't going to be much of a selection on Christmas day," commented Trystane.

"Euron Luck just opened a new resturant in the city. Why don't we see if they're open?" suggested Jaime helpfully.

"You do know that's a seafood chain, right, brother?" asked Cersei

"So?" asked Jaime, failing to see a problem.

"So why would we want seafood for Christmas dinner?"

"Actually, I saw an ad in the paper. They're open Christmas day and serving Christmas dinners of ham, turkey, and duck." offered Margaery.

"There must be something else open mother. That place has a horrible reputation," stated Myrcella.

"Oh please. The owners rumored mob and cult connections won't affect our meal. He's probably never even stepped foot in this particular chain," stated Olenna.

"We could each write all the places down that we can think of and have the servants call them all to see what is open," stated Margaery taking control much to Cersei's chagrin.

"Fine, but everyone just add one place. We don't want to be here all day Servant, please fetch me a notebook and pen," commanded Cersei.

"No need I have a notepad right here," said Margaery, ever prepared.

"There," she said as she wrote down Euron Luck before passing the list off to Tommen. Eventually, everyone had added a restaurant. Cersei had one of her maids, Bernadette take the list to the other servants to call them all.

A short time later Bernadette returned.

"Ms. Lannister?"

"Yes, Bernadette?"

"We called every place on your list."

"Yes, and?"

"Well, there's five that are open."

"Five. That's more then I expected, Well, what are they?"

Bernadette hesitated.

"Just say it. It can't be that bad!"

"Euron Luck, Burger King, Denny's, Hooter's, and Pizza Hut"

"Is this a joke? Fast food, pizza and hooters?! Hooters, of all places? Who here added such filth to the list?!" asked Cersei furiously. She looked around accusingly at everyone, as she waited for an answer until her eyes finally rested on Tyrion.

"What?! You think that was me? No. I may like my eye candy but I know how innappriate that would be."

"I know it was you, you little heathen," accused Cersei

"Actually, mother, that was me."

"You added that filth to the list?" asked Cersei appalled as she turned to look at her eldest son.

"Yes, mother. I've had a hard year, what with Tommen stealing my fiance and all. Figured I could use a little eye candy to get myself back in the game. Who knows maybe I'll even take a hooters girl back home with me" stated Joffrey to Cersei, he was, however, looking at Margaery as he said it.

Tommen shifted uncomfortably in his chair. Joffrey was never going to let it go about Margaery. The only girl Joffrey had ever treated with an ounce of respect and it still hadn't been enough. His lack of ambition and his cruelty to others had driven her away. Tommen had never stolen her, in spite of his mothers and Joffrey's accusations he and Margaery had only just been friends. It wasn't until weeks after her breakup with Joffrey that something had started to bloom between the two. But, the damage was done, Joffrey considered Margaery his still and Cersei hated her for breaking her eldest's heart.

"Margaery and you were broken up for weeks before she and I ever went out, " he stated for the millionth time to his brother.

"I'm sure you two didn't need to go out to betray me, " Joffrey replied accusingly.

"Joffrey, Tommen would never betray you like that. You and I just didn't work out. We weren't compatible. I'm sure you'll find someone more compatible one day," she said smiling sweetly at him.

Cersei looked as if she wanted to wring Margaery's neck and Joffrey looked absolutely livid. Everyone else, looked extremely uncomfortable. Dinner hadn't even begun and things were already beyond the point of awkward.

Finally, Joffrey replied, "On the contrary, you and I are very compatible. We're both fit, attractive people. You can't tell me you're compatible with...with Jabba the Hut there?" he asked gesturing to Tommen.

"Tommen is not obese, or even that much overweight anymore. He has less than fifteen pound's left to lose until he is at a healthy weight. Your arguments hold no water, " Margaery retorted.

"Enough everyone, now I think we can all agree that Hooters is not an appropriate place to have Christmas dinner. Neither is a pizza or burger joint, so that leaves Denny's and Euron Luck. Denny's is a poor person's restaurant, so I suppose we will be going to Euron Luck," stated Cersei.

"Let's go to Dennys, poor people food is yummy!" stated Gemma.

"She shouldn't get any say, mother. She ruined Christmas dinner!" protested Joffrey.

"None of this would have happened if you hadn't threatened Mrs. Fluffles!" defended Gemma.

"Enough. Now Gemma, why do you say poor people food is yummy?" asked Cersei concerned.

"Well, I like those places with the pizza and burgers best and I figure they're poor people places because nobody ever dresses up."

"I would also prefer Denny's, Euron Luck has horrible reviews as well as a horrible reputation," stated Myrcella cutting in on what was likely to become a lecture of places that should be avoided.

"We could take a vote between the two," suggested Margaery taking control once again.

"Fine. Let's vote. Who's in favor of Euron Luck?" asked Cersei

Everyone except for Myrcella, Trystane, Tyrion, and Gemma voted for Euron Luck.

"Well, it's settled then. Euron Luck it is." stated Cersei, "So, let's head out."

Around twenty minutes later they arrived at Euron Luck. For its logo the restaurant had a giant squid in the front, above that was a cartoonish drawing of a dark haired man smirking with the words 'Euron Luck' next to him.

Entering the restaurant they found that the place was crowded for Christmas day, but there were still a few empty tables.

"Table for ten please," stated Cersei

"Do you have a reservation?"

"No."

"Afraid I cannot help you then."

"I'm Cersei Lannister."

"Doesn't matter. We don't have any tables available. "

Cersei fought to keep her temper in check. "I see several tables available, for example, that huge one over there."

"Indeed there are. None for you though. Better luck next time."

"You need to seat us. We didn't have our limo drivers drive us all the way here for nothing."

"Afraid you did, mam. Now please leave."

Olenna cut in flashing a hundred dollar bill at the man. "Can you seat us now?"

The man's demeanor instantly changed. "I believe I can," he stated as Olenna handed him the money.

"Follow me," he stated leading them to the huge table in the middle of the dining area.

"I was just giving an example. We want a more private table near the back. Nothing near the bathrooms, though." stated Cersei as the man stopped at the table.

"Oh you never stop do you?" asked Olenna rhetorically.

"We do have such a table available under the right conditions, of course, I could seat you there..."

"Will this do it?" asked Olenna holding out another one hundred dollar bill to the man.

"Indeed it shall. Follow me."

"Your waiter will be by in a bit. Your menus are on the table" he stated gesturing to the rack of menus on the far right side of the large table.

"Sooner rather then later, some of us don't have that long you know," stated Olenna pulling out another hundred dollar bill.

"Of course. He will be by as soon as possible."

Jaime, who was seated at the end, took the stack of menu's and thoughtfully put a children's menu on top for Gemma, before passing them to her to pass down. However, as he was doing so, he spotted a familiar looking person out of the corner of his eye. He quickly took his menu and hid behind it in hopes said person would not spot him. Years ago, they'd once been such good friends, until he'd felt she'd wanted more, and he knew his heart belonged with Cersei, so he'd began to distance himself for her sake. That and truthfully, Cersei was fearful she had known the truth about her and Jaime. Although now everyone seemed to know, as they were the biggest joke ever in the tabloids since Robert's death over a decade ago. However, fifteen years ago there had been very few rumors, and certainly not any the media had published. He thought back to Brienne, he felt bad they were strangers now, he'd never intended for them to lose touch completely, however, he really did not want to have an awkward run-in with her.

Just then Gemma's voice cut through his thoughts. "I'm not a kid! Why would you give me a kid menu!" she exclaimed to Jaime as she saw there was a children's menu on the top of the stack.

"Perhaps he meant it for Tommen, The portions are smaller so he could very well use a kid's menu to order from it as might help his obesity problem," stated Joffrey viciously.

"Perhaps he meant if for you so that you could use the pictures to order by, no big words, or any words for you to attempt to read," stated Olenna

"Joffrey is an excellent reader, aren't you Joffrey. What book have you been reading lately?" questioned Cersei in hopes of proving her boy to be intelligent.

"I have been reading some self-help books lately, mother."

"Oh lord I do not think there are enough of those in the world to help you," replied Olenna.

"I do not need help. I have improved upon everything I could. Now that my appearance matches my great personality I am thinking of giving the books to Myrcella or Gemma, seeing as Tommen is beyond help. As you can all see, I've been working out lately. Making my appearance as great as my personality," he replied flexing his muscles.

"Mom, aren't you gonna chastise uncle Jaime for giving me a children's menu?" asked Gemma cutting in.

"But, you are a child, you're only eleven. You don't want to grow up that quick, do you? Why, your siblings ordered from the children's menu's until they were teenagers, except for Tommen of course," stated Cersei concerned.

"I think considering that you should make her order from the children's menu, you don't want her to be another Tommen, do you?" asked Joffrey cruelly.

"That is a rather valid point, actually, no offense Tommen," commented Cersei.

"Mom! Cmon, it's Christmas. Don't make me order from the kiddie menu." she pouted sweetly while simultaneously kicking Joffrey under the table.

"Ow!" exclaimed Joffrey kicking back.

"Yeah, Gemma's too skinny if anything, mom, she should order from the adult menu if she wants," stated Myrcella defending her sister.

"Very well then, but only because it's Christmas. Don't go growing up on me so fast. And the two of you better stop it now," she stated as Gemma got one last final kick in.

Everyone spent the next few moment's looking at the menu and making small talk about the choices. Gemma was confused why there were no options for a nice cheese pizza.

Sure enough only five minutes later a waiter dressed as a pirate was at their table. He tapped on the table to get everyones attention. Then, remaining silent, he held out a small index card that said, "Everyone ready to order?"

"Are you deaf or slow or something?" asked Joffrey, "Why the note?"

The pirate gestured to a large sign nearby on the wall, which said "Euron Luck Pirate's will never talk! Simply tell them your order and they will write it down and show it to our cooks. You may, of course, review it if you like."

"What a ridiculous gimmick," stated Joffrey.

"It is rather unnecessary," agreed Trystane.

"Speak now I will write," said another premade sign he held up.

Cersei rolled her eyes, yet made her move to order. "I would like a glass of Red Wine."

"Cersei! You're eleven years sober, you can't!" protested Jaime

"I need it today."

"Mother, you really shouldn't," agreed Myrcella.

"Oh please. A little wine can't hurt," stated Joffrey

"I always knew I would one day beat you on length of sobriety, I suppose this certainly will make it easier," stated Tyrion.

"Since when are you sober?" asked Cersei

"Going on a year now this January."

Cersei gritted her teeth, "I'll have a 7 up, actually. And the roasted duck, with sides of sweet potatoes with butter pecan topping, cornbread, and lemon pepper green beans."

The waiter then took everyone else's orders, which were all duck, turkey, or ham with their whatever sides they chose. Finally and lastly it was Gemma's turn to order. She proceeded to make an attempt to order pizza.

The waiter quickly jotted down, "We do not sell pizza here, except for the house special of calamari pizza."

"Then I would like a calamari pizza and leave off the calamari, please," stated Gemma.

The waiter then jotted down another sign which said, "You cannot order the calamari pizza and ask them to leave off the calamari, what kind of restaurant do you think this is?"

"Fine, then. I'll have a turkey dinner with cheesy mashed potatoes, stuffing, and cornbread."

The waiter held up a larger notebook with their orders written and everyone confirmed their order was correct before the waiter scurried off.

"You can put the menu down now since we've ordered," said Cersei rolling her eyes at Jaime.

"I'm bored and I'd like to see what desserts they have," stated Jaime making up any excuse to stay hidden.

"I'm going to go use the restroom, I'll be right back," stated Joffrey.

"Take your time," said Olenna, stating what everyone else, sans Cersei, was feeling.

"Anyone else think that thing with the waiter was strange? Him not talking and the sign that Euron Luck Pirates don't talk? Not that I'm complaining, but how odd," stated Jaime.

"I have heard rumors that they cannot talk. That all of the employees have their tongues cut out," stated Trystane.

"Don't be so ridiculous," stated Cersei rolling her eyes.

"Actually, mother, I think it may be true. They say the owner Euron Greyjoy is the leader of some bizarre pirate cult," added Myrcella

"I tend to agree with Trystane and Myrcella on this, something is not right here, and that's coming from someone who's been in more than his fair share of strange establishments," stated Tyrion.

"Well, if he did have their tongues removed I think I quite like it. I hate when we get chatty waiters," stated Jaime.

"I think you all need to stop reading the tabloids and stop talking about such horrid things around Gemma," stated Cersei, frustrated with everyone's wild imaginations.

"It's okay, mom, I've read all about it too. I think it's cool. I think Joffrey should apply for a job here."

"Gemma!"

"Ah yes, that would be a good job for the boy, god knows he needs to do something, and even better if such a rumor were true, However I guarantee you anything so ridiculous is not, on that front I agree with your mother for once," stated Olenna, "Not to say the tabloids don't have some truth in them these days though, especially last week's Sun."

"Wasn't that the one that claimed on the cover mother and uncle Jaime were having an incestuous affair? How can you say such a terrible thing?" asked Tommen horrified.

"Oh, you poor naive boy," stated Olenna simply.

"Grandma! Stop kidding. We know it's not true." stated Margaery.

"Of course dear, of course."

Cersei tried to calm herself. If the old bat really knew the truth to the rumors she would have to be dealt with quietly at a later point. For now, there was nothing she could do.

Meanwhile, Joffrey had finished using the men's room and was heading back to the table when he noticed a tank with a large number of lobsters in it. The sign on the machine read "You catch it, you eat it for free."

Inside the tank on top was a claw machine similar to that of which was used in the machines filled with stuffed animals at the grocery store. He grinned widely at the chance to catch some poor lobster. As soon as the little girl currently playing the machine finished he would catch him some.

Joffrey waited, but when the girl failed she put more money into the machine.

"Oh give it up. Let someone who knows what they're doing have a turn!" he exclaimed frustrated.

"No. I have to save them. My mommy said every lobster I catch we can release back into the ocean. I won't stop until I save some," the girl replied as she began to play again.

Joffrey rolled his eyes and watched her fail again before stating, "Well clearly you are as bad as this as you are ugly, it's my turn now," he replied, shoving her out of the way before reaching for his wallet. He got out some money and bent down to put it in the machine when suddenly he felt a sharp pain in his nose.

"Ow! You little brat! Where are your parents?" said Joffrey as he turned to look at the cause of his pain.

Just then a woman or man, Joffrey wasn't sure which came up to the machine.

"There you are, Arianne."

"I didn't catch any, mommy," she pouted.

Before the women could reply Joffrey cut in, "This little brat belongs to you?"

"Do not refer to my child as a brat! But, yes, yes, she does," she stated smiling down proudly at the little girl who looked just like her, save for the wildly curly red hair.

"You have the same beautiful eyes."

"Why thank you!" replied the women flustered, clearly she wasn't used to getting compliments like that.

"It's a shame about the rest of the both of you. Such lovely eyes on such hideous faces."

The women's face got red. She gave Joffrey a murderous glare as she tried to calm herself. Finally, she turned towards her daughter and spoke, "Come on Arianne, let's go find daddy so we can get out of here."

"You cannot go. Your brat punched me. My people need to get in touch with your people so a proper punishment can be determined," stated Joffrey matter of factly.

"Arianne. Is this true?" she asked stopping in her tracks.

"Yes mommy, but first he called me ugly and then he shoved me!"

"It would seem you got what you deserved then Sir, do not shove little girls!" the women exclaimed, her temper clearly rising.

Before Joffrey could reply, a tall, very tough looking redheaded man came up to them, "Paid the check and left a nice tip just like you asked love."

"Do these creatures belong to you?" asked Joffrey rudely.

"This is my wife Brienne and our daughter Arianne. Do you have a problem with them?" he asked Joffrey.

"I am Joffrey Baratheon, and your wife and daughter have been a thorn in my side these past few moments," replied Joffrey.

"Oh, is that so? And how are my lovely Brienne and my sweet daughter Arianne bothering you?" he asked in a seemingly friendly tone, putting his hand on Joffrey's back in a friendly manner.

Joffrey, being ever so stupid thought the man sincerely felt bad that his wife and daughter had mistreated him. For he was Joffrey Baratheon, son of the late Robert Baratheon, grandson of Tywin Lannister. His family was a political dynasty and this couple's daughter would have to pay a price for laying her mangy little hands on him. He paused for a moment. What was that? His nose. It was bleeding. Oh, she really would have to pay for this.

"By existing. Those beautiful eyes with those huge noses, and freckles? It's a crime against nature. But, more importantly, that daughter of yours punched me. I demand your contact information so that my people can take care of this matter, clearly, she needs to be..." Joffrey stopped suddenly as he felt himself being lifted off the ground.

"Now listen here. If my wife weren't pregnant you would be experiencing way worse right now. She would pummel you into next week and then we'd sit down and have some calamari while you withered in pain on this here floor."

Joffrey turned white as a sheet. "Do you...do you know who I am?" he stammered out.

"You're the kid of that dead senator and the other senator's daughter, the one who fucks her brother. And your fiance left you for your brother," replied Tormund knowledgeably.

"How dare..."

"Get out of my sight now before I do take it upon myself to pummel you into next week. I couldn't care less who you are. I surely need to stop reading those trashy tabloids." he added as an afterthought as he released his grip.

With that Joffrey finally stammered off in anger, the lobster prize machine forgotten.

Joffrey returned to the table just as the food arrived, sulking and holding a large number of napkins which he had stolen from a nearby table, under his bleeding nose,

"Joffrey! What happened!" asked Cersei concerned.

"Someone's fist happened after his mouth did I'm guessing," stated Olenna.

"Some little-redheaded brat did this, and her insufferable parents blamed me!. Mother, you need to come with me now, we must catch them before they leave. You see what they did to me."

"Of course, no one gets away with harming my son! Jaime, go take care of it."

"My food will get cold..."

"Somebody needs to go, now, they were leaving!" exclaimed Joffrey

"Would that be the red-headed girl who hit you? She's even younger than me!" asked Gemma pointing out the window.

"Yes! Quick, someone write down their license plate."

Nobody, except for Cersei and Joffrey made any effort to look for a pen. Everyone else began eating.

"I can write with this lip gloss I suppose" stated Cersei after failing to find any pens.

"It's too late. They're gone. You are all useless."

"How is it you support yourself again?" asked Olenna rhetorically.

"My father's trust fund, you senile old bat," replied Joffrey.

"Joffrey is taking some time off to decide what he wants to do with his life, aren't you Joffrey, perhaps a career in politics one day?" asked Cersei hopefully.

"I have thought of it. But, If you ask me, I shouldn't even need to run for office, my father and grandfather were senators, I obviously know what I'm doing." replied Joffrey, "If someone were to give me an office to make important decisions in I'd be great at the task. After all, I told you all that Targaryen girl was a political threat. But, grandpa never listened to me all those years ago and now we have a Targaryen governor. "

"Well, even a stopped clock is right twice a day," remarked Olenna.

"I am surprised you can even tell time. Aren't you like 100? Shouldn't you be deaf and blind soon," retorted Joffrey cruelly.

"*I'll be seventy-four next April, probably an age you are unlikely to see."

"So what are you up to these days, Myrcella? We hardly see you any" asked Margaery changing the subject.

"Busy with school and dance. I get my degree in political science next year."

"Yes, I am so proud of you. Perhaps one day you can help undo some of what Tyrion has been doing in the Senate," stated Cersei smiling.

"Yes, actually, mother, about that, I..."

"Yes?"

"Well you know I'm a Democrat, mother."

"Still? I assumed you would have outgrown that by now. Although Tyrion hasn't outgrown it, however, Tyrion has always had a problem with not outgrowing things." replied Cersei

"A short joke. How clever," cut in Tyrion

"Yes, still, I don't agree with any of the Republican politics, sorry mother."

"What is there not to agree with? Other than their stance on certain women's issues, which as well-off women will never affect us."

"Oh leave the girl be, who would wanna be a Republican anyway," stated Olenna

"Well, I'm a republican mother. More guns and more traditional roles for men and women is the way this country should be," said Joffrey

"Traditional roles are another of the few things I disagree with the Republicans on," stated Cersei. before continuing "Tommen, you are a Republican too, right?"

"To be honest, mom, I don't really care about politics. Most politicians are so cruel and corrupt. In fact, I could not think of a worse job than a job in politics, no offense Myrcella. Just not for me."

"None taken. Personally, on a large scale, I would agree, there is so much corruption. I'd much rather be a mayor and help out the local community,"

"I'm a democrat too, mom" stated Gemma.

"You're too young to care about politics," replied Cersei.

"Maybe so, but I know if Joffrey's the opposite, being democrat must be right."

"You should show more respect for your older brother. And do not think that pudding incident will go unpunished."

"But Joffrey started that whole thing by threatening Miss. Fluffles!"

"Yes, Joffrey will not go unpunished either, rest assured."

"You can't punish me, I'm an adult and I've come into my trust fund finally," replied Joffrey smirking.

"You will both do charity work, together as your punishments. It will look good for this family and teach you both not to waste food."

"I'd like to try to see anyone, even you, try to make me do anything," Joffrey replied amused.

Cersei sighed. It was a good thing Taena's husband was Joffrey's parole officer. She'd always been able to get the women to sway her husband to look the other way when he committed a parole violation, which he often did. Just this once she would have Joffrey ordered to do some charity work instead.

Finally, everyone had finished their meals and Tyrion was tasked with paying the check, Olenna, Margaery and Tommen said their goodbyes, as they had taken Olenna's limo. Joffrey had driven himself in his brand new fire red porche. hoping it would impress Margaery (it didn't). Cersei, Jaime, Myrcella, Trystane, and Gemma headed back to Cersei's limo while Tyrion was left in line to pay the check.

However, just as Myrcella and Trystane entered the limo, a voice rang out. "I cannot believe it's you!" 

"Are you...Euron Greyjoy?" questioned Cersei stopping in front of the limo. She recognized him from the commercials with the dancing squids.

"In the flesh my lovely. I just had to come by once I heard the famous Cersei Baratheon was here. I'm glad I caught you in time."

"It's Cersei Lannister now, actually, I've gone back to my maiden name."

"Cersei, we need to get going," stated Jaime.

"And this man here, is this your personal servant?"

"This is my brother, Jaime."

"Really? Not what I excepted at all, given the rumors. Well, I must say, it's a relief to see that the rumors can't possibly be true."

"And why is that?" asked Jaime his temper rising.

"Well, perhaps I was wrong," he smirked.

"You are not telling me you believe those vicious lies the tabloids spread?" asked Cersei

"I neither believe or disbelieve, I like to gather the facts and form my own opinions. And is this your lovely young daughter here?"

"Yes, I'm Gemma. And I wanna tell you, your restaurant sucks. They wouldn't let me order a pizza without the calamari on it and the cheesy potatoes I ordered barely had any cheese on them."

"Oh, is that so? You know if you were an adult, I'd be tempted to cut your tongue out for such a rude comment. But, of course, I would never do such a horrid thing. You should, however, be more polite. I am sure your mother wouldn't approve of such rudeness. Would you?" he asked smiling charmingly at Cersei.

"Speaking of cut out tongues, we've heard the rumors regarding Euron Luck servers. Do all Euron Luck servers really not talk, and why?" asked Jaime curiously.

"The squid has their tongues I suppose you could say," he replied grinning widely

"So then shall we assume the rumors of what you do to your servers are true?" asked Jaime

"Are you asking because you want to apply for a job? Afraid you aren't quite what we're looking for," stated Euron.

"Hardly. Resturant business is far below that of a Lannister,"

"Ah yes, and what is it you've been doing again since you lost your senator position?"

"I didn't lose it, I went into early retirement."

"Of course, of course," replied Euron dismissively as Jaime fumed.

"Well, anyway, I would like to ask the lovely Ms. Lannister if she would like to accompany me for dinner sometime?"

At that Jaime's face got bright red and it took every ounce of strength in him to not pummel Euron to the ground. Surely Cersei would refuse.

"Well I..." she hesitated before continuing, "I'm kinda seeing someone, right now."

"That's fine with me. I'm sure you won't want to be seeing them anymore after a date with me, except maybe at family reunions," he stated glancing over at Jaime and smirking.

"I don't like what you're implying here," stated Cersei, annoyed.

"Just a little harmless joking, but seriously, dinner sometime?"

"She obviously isn't interested," stated Jaime, annoyed.

"Well, actually, now that I think about it, I am interested. Do you have something to write on?"

"Of course," he replied, smirking triumphantly as he pulled out a notepad and pen.

Cersei wrote a number down and handed it back to him, smiling. "Here is my number, give me a call sometime."

"I certainly will,"

As soon as they entered the limo Jaime pushed the button to put up the glass separating him, Cersei and Gemma from the others so that they could not hear the conversation. Then unable to control himself any longer he lit into Cersei.

"I can't believe you gave that creep your number. Do not even think about going out with him. I won't allow it."

"Relax. It will just be one date, I'll be the worst date ever, the media will be all over it and it will combat the rumors about us some."

"It's not gonna happen. You are not going out with him or any other man. I forbid it,"

"You can't forbid it."

"Mom?"

"Not now, Gemma, the adults are talking,"

"I just was wondering if the rumors about you and uncle Jaime are true..."

"Well, actually... " started Jaime before Cersei shot him a glare and continued, "Of course not. People will say anything to try to undermine us. To try to destroy our legacy. "

"Oh." she replied suspiciously, "But, why is uncle Jaime so upset about you giving Squid guy your number, and why don't either of you ever date anybody?"

"Well, I'm still grieving your father. As for uncle Jaime, well, can I tell you a secret?"

"Sure mom."

"Uncle Jaime is gay."

"I am not!"

"Oh, Jaime, shhh, it's okay. Gemma won't tell, will you Gemma?"

"No, I won't tell," replied Gemma not fully believing her mother.

"What is taking Tyrion so long?" asked Cersei annoyed, however, as she said that the limo door opened and in walked Tyrion.

"Miss me?"

"Hardly. I just want to get home already."

"Me too, back to your house I mean. I've missed my nieces and nephew and we still need to exchange gifts"

Cersei groaned inwardly and mentally prepared herself for a few more hours of dealing with her pest of a brother, as well as that horrid Tyrell girl.

Luckily, the rest of the evening went off with no problems, save for an awkward incident where Joffrey tried to gift Margaery some very expensive jewelry, which she refused to accept.

Later that night just after all the guests had left and shortly before her bedtime, Gemma was on her way to the restroom when she overheard her uncle Jaime arguing with her mother.

"You are not going out with that man. Just so we are clear. And I also cannot believe you told our daughter I was gay!"

"I cannot believe you almost told her the truth! How stupid are you? Do you realize the political favors father had to do to prevent the judge from issuing an order of paternity on Gemma? With him gone we are more vulnerable now. Stannis still is trying to get an order out for paternity on Gemma. "

"And so you pick something completely unbelievable to cover up our secret? Yeah, that's really smart."

"I don't think it's that unbelievable."

"Oh really? How pray tell, is me being gay at all believable? if you needed an excuse for why we're both single, you could've claimed to be a lesbian. With all the time you spend with that Merryweather whore that would be more believable then me being gay."

"Gemma is not gonna believe I am suddenly a lesbian, not when I have her and her three siblings and was married. It would not be believable! And I cannot believe you are still so jealous of Taena after all these years! Besides that, there were gay rumors about you many years ago long before the incest rumors started."

"Rumors because everyone is jealous of my good looks."

"Rumors because you've never dated anybody and you spend more time on your hair then I do,"

"Hair that you really love. Well... perhaps I should show you how not gay I am..."

Gemma smiled, she knew it was true. She's always felt the rumors must be true. She wouldn't tell, not ever. Still, maybe this could be leverage to get the pony she'd always wanted. Then she corrected herself. Ponies were for little girls. Mother would get her a horse. She walked away just before hearing her parent's argument turn into makeup sex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review now that it's finished! Let me know if you have a favorite chapter or AU :) Thank you!

**Author's Note:**

> Taking requests, but don't expect much because these are all probably only gonna be between 100-500 words. Edit: Alright I'm doing longer ones too, up to 2k words. If you want one send me a holiday (Thanksgiving, Christmas or New Years Eve) a year (anything 1900+) and age for Cersei and Jaime My Tumblr is in my profile and anon is on so you can send them in without having a tumblr.


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